Health Nut
January 17, 2026
Health Nut
by Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
I love going to the Oval Office. My uncle, President John F. Kennedy, used to work there and my father, Senator Robert F. Kennedy, would have worked there, too. I felt I had a pretty good chance in 2024 but the Democrats betrayed me, ignoring my warnings about dangerous and unnecessary vaccines and especially the risky ones like Flu, Hepatitus B, COVID-19, and Measles, Mumps, Rubella. I’m sure my medical expertise and activism have saved millions of people, particularly children and mothers, from serious side effects and even death.
“Every day I’m thankful you rescued me from the Kennedy Democrats and other hyperventilating do-gooders,” I told President Trump.
“I’m thankful you stepped away from environmental law, Bobby, because there’s only one man with the scientific insight to run Health and Human Services. The nation’s lucky.”
“I suppose you’re wondering why I asked for a meeting today, Mr. President. And thanks for not insisting I tell you in advance what I wanted to talk about. It’s confidential.”
“Okay, Bobby. What is it?”
I pounced on the floor and cranked out fifty strong fast pushups and sprang up, not even breathing hard, and said, “Mr. President, you’re filling your body with poison every day. I’m worried about you and so are millions of Americans.”
“I’m in tremendous shape, Bobby, better than any president in history.”
“You’re always shoving hamburgers and fries and candy into your piehole and washing that junk down with endless sodas.”
“I have tremendous energy, so I’m obviously taking in the right fuel.”
“Mr. President, forgive me, but it’s amazing you’re still alive in your eightieth year. You could expire at any time.”
“Given your history of substance abuse, I’m amazed you made it to seventy-two.”
“It’s been decades since I either shot heroin or snorted coke. I’m the most active and athletic of all Kennedy’s. I not only do pushups incessantly, I pump iron, and I’m an outdoorsman.”
“I’m outdoors several hours at a time, playing golf.”
“Yeah,” I said, “but you’re riding a cart. You ought to be walking the fairways to burn off some of that gut.”
The president scowled. “I get medical advice from the world’s greatest doctors. So keep your mouth shut about my health.”
“Yes, sir.”
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