Dynamic Diplomacy

by Superman

 It’s not immodest but essential that I confirm what you’ve often heard. I am indeed “faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.” In the nuclear age, I confess, those are militarily irrelevant feats, and a mere one-ton bomb would annihilate me. Nevertheless, today I must confront some hot-talking diplomats too willing to shed the blood of others, and in Geneva shatter the door as I fly into a conference room highlighted by a round marble table and several frightened suits diving under the table while their alarmed guards fire numerous gunshots I either block with my hands and arms or flatten with my chest.

“Stand and return to your cushioned seats,” I order the diplomats, and they comply. I wave for their guards to move to another part of the room.

“Who the hell are you?” says a skinny fellow in high voice.

“Do you not see the capital S on my chest?” I reply to Jared Kushner.

“I’m the son-in-law of President Trump,” he says. “You’re not invited to these negotiations.”

“You’re doing rather poorly, all of you,” I say. “I’m here to help.”

“I’ll have to call the president for permission,” says a natty fellow I recognize as Steve Witkkoff, a Trump real estate crony.

A short man, Iranian Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi, looks around the table at those two and their assistants as well as his own. “Gentlemen, we’re at an impasse. I suggest we give this vigorous fellow a few minutes.”

“I don’t know…” says Kushner.

“You do now,” I say. “I won’t long interrupt your negotiations that most rational people realize are doomed. Thankfully, some of our bumbling predecessors have inadvertently left us an opportunity: everyone evidently agrees that Iran will not be permitted to build a nuclear weapon.”

Nodding with a sly smile, Witkoff says, “That’s right. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu wouldn’t allow it, and neither would President Trump.”

Looking at Araghchi, I ask, “Do you still agree that nuclear weapons are out?”

“Yes, Superman. We understand that in a Middle East dominated by Israel and the United States, only the former can daily bear nuclear arms, and the Americans can do so whenever they fly or sail into our homeland.”

I point to two men who are taking notes, and say, “Gentlemen, please write down the essence of our meeting as just noted.”

“Yes, sir,” they say.

“Now, let’s immediately drop this nonsense, which Prime Minister Netanyahu has suddenly force fed you, and the world, that Iran must render itself helpless by destroying its ballistic missiles capable of striking Israel while Israel not merely retains the same threat as well as American-built bombs and jets and other horrific products.”
“President Trump insists that the Iranians dismantle all but very short-range ballistic missiles or our two aircraft carrier strike groups will attack,” says Kushner.

If I weren’t Superman, I’d kick his ass. Instead, viewing him as a petulant child, I say, “Oh, yes, and even more recently I read that President Trump, a legendary warrior, has quite recently announced that if Iran doesn’t kneel at his and Netanyahu’s feet, he’ll build up fascist forces for several months prior to invading Iran to destroy the regime. For your edification, Mr. Kushner, in the interceding several months the American people, abetted by Republicans in Congress, would remove your demented father-in-law from office. And if they didn’t do so, the Russians and Chinese would manifestly increase military aid, which is already considerable, and weaken the U.S. obsession, stoked by the Israel Lobby, to transform the Middle East into a haven for Zionist genocide and illegal expansion.”

Turning to Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi, I continue, “Having spoken thusly about the United States and Israel, I must warn Iran that the world is both weary of and frightened by medieval theocrats who for two generations have misruled your country.”

“Our autonomy is none of your business,” shouts Araghchi, springing to his feet.

“Sit down, sir,” I order, and he does. “Be smart and consider your alternatives. You either follow the Superman plan or the Trump-Netanyahu plan. Russia and China will help you but won’t risk their national existence to do so. You must establish better political leadership at home.”

“Why doesn’t the United States establish better political leadership?”

“It should,” I say, “and it will. Despite their imperfections, the Americans don’t let anyone rule in perpetuity. As an experienced diplomat, you know that better than most. Donald Trump will be out of office no later than January 2029, and I believe much sooner than that. This current fiasco might hasten his departure. Of course, if you gentlemen write a splendid nuclear treaty, a lame duck Trump could stagger to the finish line.”

“You failed to mention another critical issue,” Araghchi protests. “We in the Islamic Republic of Iran will not permit the United States or Israel or anyone else to tell us who our friends are in the Middle East. We’ll continue to support Hamas and Hezbollah.”

With Superman solemnity, I tell him, “You will not.”

“So you’re a dictator like Trump and the Ayatollah Khamenei,” says Abbas Araghchi.

“That’s right,” agrees an invigorated Kushner.

“Damn right, he is,” says Witkoff.

I say, “Thank you, Mr. Araghchi, for admitting that Khamenei is a dictator rather than a divine entity forever endowed with the right to kill thousands of Iranians any time they publicly disagree with him.

“This conversation could go on forever. I’ll leave you with this insight. I’m not merely a nuclear force but a doomsday weapon ready to invoke all my powers if you don’t stop this torturous nonsense.”

I examine The Three Stooges and other men at the table, extend my mighty right arm straight up, fist clinched, and rocket through the roof of the Geneva Kindergarten.

George Thomas Clark on Amazon