Stone Age

by Donald Trump

I don’t think this is being filmed but don’t care if it is. I’m talking privately to a group of supporters and tell them tonight I’ll be giving a little speech the whole world is waiting for but right now I want to tell this audience that we can’t afford Medicare or Medicaid. We can’t afford Day Care, either. States must pay for that. They’ll have to raise taxes. The federal government’s job is to provide military protection. That costs big bucks, folks, about a billion dollars a day just for our war against the heathens in Iran. Check in tonight and you’ll understand more.

I guess the earlier speech was recorded and posted before being taken down. That’s fine. In front of the TV cameras tonight I feel happy, tough, and confident telling everyone on earth that my armed forces have destroyed Iran’s navy, air force, missiles, and missile launchers, and the enemy is suffering clear and devastating losses all over their country.

Israel and the United States have also killed a lot of Iran’s leaders. This war isn’t about regime change, but the regime has been changed. They had some guys we wanted to talk to but they’re gone, and their replacements have also been eliminated, so we’re talking to the next group, and they’re begging to make a deal with us. They can’t put any pressure on me. We don’t need their oil through the Strait of Hormuz. We’re energy independent. We’re in the Middle East to help.

Our allies in Europe and NATO – I guess they’re still allies – shouldn’t worry about the Strait of Hormuz being closed except to friends of Iran. Pretty soon, after I declare victory and order our armed forces to leave the region, Europe and NATO should simply take back the Strait of Hormuz. It would be easy. Like I say, the Iranians are destroyed. I know their missiles and drones are hitting our military bases along the Persian Gulf and hammering Israeli cities, but they can’t keep doing that. They’re almost out of missiles.

I’d still like to help the Iranians. In my first administration, I terminated their terrible nuclear deal with Barack Hussein Obama. And I had a much better nuclear deal on the negotiating table just before this war began. So why did I double-cross the Iranians and attack? Because I had to keep my promises to people like Miriam Adelson and Elon Musk and Timothy Mellon who each donated more than a hundred million dollars to my campaign to my Make American Great Again. Miriam wants me to make sure Israel can annex the West Bank, and all of them agree Iran can never have a nuclear weapon.

A day or two after my speech, I reminded Iran what I’d warned them a week earlier. If they don’t make a deal, we’ll blow up everything they’ve got. They must open the Strait of Hormuz and hand over their enriched uranium or “all hell will rain down on them. Glory be to GOD!”

With the Almighty on our side, I don’t give a damn it would be a violation of the Geneva Convention to destroy power plants, oil facilities, and desalinization plants. And Iran better not attack similar facilities in Israel or the Gulf States or I’ll bomb it back to the Stone Ages where it belongs.

George Thomas Clark on Amazon