Be assured: if I, instead of slumbering Stalin, had been running Russia in 1941, the Germans wouldn’t have attacked and mauled us because I would’ve already smashed them. I understand what’s necessary. We must keep enemies away from our frontiers. The United States and its European mercenaries will not be allowed to surround us with NATO stooges or those with similar intentions. That’s why I’m holding a referendum on Crimean independence. I know, and you should too, that the Russian majority there wants to embrace Mother Russia. Call it an Anschluss, if you like, but understand that my moves are otherwise different from Hitler’s annexation of Austria and, a few months later, the Sudetenland of Czechoslovakia. Those were the sneaky steps of a warmonger, which I do not have to be. My position is much better than Hitler’s in September 1938. In Munich he had to grovel and beg the British and French not to intercede, which they easily could have if not for timidity and lack of foresight. But no one can lift a sword if I devour the Crimea. Incidentally, I’ve already done so and it’s delicious.

Now I’m ready for dessert, long before the votes have been counted.