Babe Ruth on Steroids

February 11, 2005

Home » Commentary » Babe Ruth on Steroids

“Boys, it’s great to be back.  Too bad it’s off season.  I haven’t been anywhere since 1948, and I’m ready to play.”

“Babe, have you had time to read Jose Canseco’s book ‘Juiced’ that says eighty percent of major league baseball players used steroids?” a reporter asked.

“Just finished it.”

“Do you consider the new home run records tainted?” said another reporter.

“Honey, don’t cuss like that.  And what’re you doing in the locker room?”

“It’s common now, Babe,” she said.

“In my day you wouldn’t have come any place but my hotel suite.”

“Just answer the question.  Do you or do you not think the new home run records are legitimate?”

“No ma’am.  All home run records but mine are phony.”

“So you think Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds really did use steroids?” asked a male reporter.

“Of course.  They didn’t get all that muscle drinking whiskey and smoking cigars.”

“Babe, today’s players lift weights year round and go easy on the booze,” said another male reporter.  “Many don’t drink at all.  And almost no one smokes.”

“They’re a bunch of old ladies.”

“Babe, you died at age fifty-three of throat cancer,” said the female reporter.  “Won’t you admit smoking’s bad?”

“Let’s talk baseball.”

“Okay,” she said.  “How can you criticize modern players for getting bigger when you also got a lot bigger?”

“Don’t laugh, boys.  This belly’s natural.”

“What do you think of Canseco?” she asked.

“It’s painful thinking about him injecting steroids into McGwire’s fanny.  But they weren’t the first.  My manager, Miller Huggins, often did the same to Lou Gehrig.  You don’t think he could’ve played in 2,130 consecutive games any other way, do you?”

“Maybe you’re just jealous of Gehrig,” said a male reporter.

“What for?  I was the star.  Who talks about Gehrig?”

“Lots of people,” he said.  “In 1927, the year you hit 60 homers, Lou won the American League MVP.  We know you guys didn’t speak to each other for years.”

“Not after I saw what he and Huggins were up to.”

“Roger Maris was certainly clean,” said a male reporter.

“Not a chance.  Maris had to have help to hit sixty-one home runs in 1961.  He never had forty before or after that.”

“Hank Aaron didn’t take steroids,” the lady stated.

“He sure did.  Otherwise, he wouldn’t have hit seven hundred fifty-five homers – forty-one more than yours truly.”

“There’s absolutely no evidence Aaron ever used performance enhancing drugs,” she said.

“Prove it.  And look at Bonds.  When he was thirty-seven he hit seventy-three homers, but hadn’t come within twenty-five of that when he was young.”

“You jumped from twenty-nine homers one year to fifty-four the next season.” the lady said.

“That was early in my career.”

“It’s still pretty damn suspicious.”

“You saying I took steroids?”

“Maybe Gehrig injected them into your fat fanny,” she said.

“Let me guarantee all of you – if I’d taken steroids and lifted weights, I would’ve hit at least 200 more homers and no one would’ve ever come close.”

“Yeah…Damn right…Get ‘em, Babe…”

“I’m definitely coming back.”

“Babe, please, a couple more things,” said the female reporter.  “What do you think about McGwire’s seventieth home run ball selling for three million dollars?”

“In 1998, my eightieth home run ball would’ve gone for ten million.”

“And what about rumors you had some black ancestors, and maybe that’s part of why you were so dominant and the only guy in major league history to be a star pitcher and hitter?”

“Don’t be smart-alecky.  Just get me Jose on the phone.”

George Thomas Clark

George Thomas Clark is the author of Hitler Here, a biographical novel published in India and the Czech Republic as well as the United States. His commentaries for are read in more than 50 countries a month.

Recent Commentary


HITLER HERE is a well researched and lyrically written biographical novel offering first-person stories by the Fuehrer and a variety of other characters. This intimate approach invites the reader to peer into Hitler’s mind, talk to Eva Braun, joust with Goering, Goebbels, and Himmler, debate with the generals, fight on land and at sea and…
See More
Art history and fiction merge to reveal the lives and emotions of great painters Vincent van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Frida Kahlo, Diego Rivera, William H. Johnson, Lee Krasner, and many others.
See More
This fast-moving collection blends fiction and movie history to illuminate the stimulating lives and careers of noted actors, actresses, and directors. Stars of this book include Humphrey Bogart, Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe, Bette Davis, Alfred Hitchcock, Clint Eastwood, Cate Blanchett, and Spike Lee.
See More
In this collection of thirty-eight chiseled short stories, George Thomas Clark introduces readers to actors, alcoholics, addicts, writers famous and unknown, a general, a lovelorn farmer, a family besieged by cancer, extraterrestrials threatening the world, a couple time traveling back to a critical battle, a deranged husband chasing his wife, and many more memorable people…
See More
Anne Frank On Tour and Other Stories
This lively collection offers literary short stories founded on History, Love, Need, Excess, and Final Acts.
See More
In lucid prose author George Thomas Clark recalls the challenges of growing up in a family beset by divorce, depression, and alcoholism, and battling similar problems as an adult.
See More
Let’s invite many of the greatest boxers and their contemporaries to tell their own stories, some true, others tales based on history. The result is a fascinating look into the lives and battles of those who thrilled millions but often ruined themselves while so doing.
See More
In a rousing trip through the worlds of basketball and football, George Thomas Clark explores the professional basketball league in Mexico, the Herculean talents of Wilt Chamberlain, the artistry of LeBron James, the brilliance of Bill Walsh, and lots more. Half the stories are nonfiction and others are satirical pieces guided by the unwavering hand of an inspired storyteller.
See More
Get on board this collection of satirical stories, based on news, about the entertaining but absurd and often quite dangerous events following the election of President Donald J. Trump in November 2016 until January 6, 2021, shortly after his loss to Joe Biden.
See More
Join Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush and other notables on a raucous ride into a fictional world infused with facts from one of the roughest political races in modern U.S. history.
See More
History and literary fiction enliven the Barack Obama phenomenon from the African roots of his father and grandfather to the United States where young Obama struggles to control vices and establish his racial identity. Soon, the young politician is soaring but under fire from a variety of adversaries including Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh.
See More
These satirical columns allow startlingly candid Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush to explain their need to control the destinies of countries, regions, and, ultimately, the world. Osama bin Laden, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Karl Rove, and other notables, not all famous, also demand part of the stage.
See More
Where Will We Sleep
Determined to learn more about those who fate did not favor, the author toured tattered, handmade refuges of those without homes and interviewed them on the streets and in homeless shelters, and conversed with the poor in the United States, Mexico, Ecuador, and Spain, and on occasion wrote composite stories to illuminate their difficult lives.
See More
In search of stimulating stories, the author interviewed prostitutes in Madrid, Mexico City, Havana, and Managua and on many boulevards in the United States, and he talked to detectives and rode the rough roads of social workers who deal with human trafficking, which is contemporary slavery, and sometimes used several lives to create stories, and everywhere he ventured he witnessed struggles of those whose lives are bound In Other Hands.
See More
In compressed language Clark presents a compilation of short stories and creative columns about relationships between men and women.
See More