I love Black Friday, MY favorite event of year. After stuffing myself Thanksgiving Day I’m ready to stand in A crowd of cold shoppers. We feel like Christmas is about here, panting, pushing, and groaning, and finally cheer when through glass we see them coming to open THE store. I’m A pretty big guy, almost big as my wife, but feel a little scared being crushed by masses howling and lunging toward the door. It takes a long time to actually get inside, and once there we spread out and run and several people fall and get stepped on.

I know right where to go. First, I’m getting a bigger flat screen for wife in our bedroom. They’re one third off, otherwise I’d have to keep the one we have. That would be hell. I want the last one a punk’s reaching for and bump him aside. He’s about eighteen and hundred pounds lighter but pushes me so I headlock him and say, this baby’s mine, and twist him onto the floor. Getting up I see some lady’s trying to grab the TV but can’t lift it. I squeeze shoulders and pull her away and then take what counts. She calls me animal and I say bitch. The punk returns with security guard and claims he was there first. We’ll study security tapes, says guard.

Good, I say, and head to men’s clothes where my wife’s trying to buy great winter coat. Some woman normal size but strong is pulling the coat, and it’s a real tug of war. Usually I’d watch but now jam hard cardboard box into woman’s hands and break grip. You’re garbage, she says. Knowing we’ll have to forget other things on list, my wife and I hurry toward mob in checkout line where hope security won’t find us.