Kyiv

Putin’s Grand Strategy – 16

April 5, 2022

The Americans are eternal enemies striving to surround my cold and tattered but still great Russian Empire. Their latest lies can be read in a thousand places. Here I will simply cite a few of the most outrageous accusations from a recent Associated Press article. Instead of thanking me for pulling my troops back from…

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Putin’s Terms – 11

March 15, 2022

Don’t swallow the lie that I wanted all of Ukraine and am only limiting my goals since the enemy’s proving tougher and more skillful than expected and our troops are fighting with less skill and élan than I demanded and international sanctions continue to bleed our economy and force us to default on foreign debt…

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Going Home – 6

March 9, 2022

I wasn’t planning to join the army but don’t sweat it when they draft me since I’m an unemployed nineteen year old guy looking for something in life. During basic training the drill instructors scream all the time and make us do a lot of extra marches and exercises but when that ends they tell…

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Zelensky Duels Putin – 5

March 7, 2022

In a sealed room somewhere bombs can’t be heard, Vladimir Putin, standing by his chair, points to a table long as a bowling lane, and says, “Please sit down.” Volodymyr Zelensky stations himself at one end and Putin the other. “Welcome, President Zelensky. I trust you had a comfortable trip. As you know, I guaranteed…

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Winter War – 4

February 28, 2022

In memory of our Finnish soldiers’ brave and skillful resistance against Russian invaders in late 1939, I am delighted, as a current media member in our Defence Ministry, to post this notice on our official website: “On the proposal of the Government, the President of the Republic decided today that Finland will deliver two thousand…

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Putin Broods – 3

February 28, 2022

I can’t sleep. I’m surrounded by nuclear-armed terrorists trying to enlist even more enemies. Of course I’m tense. You would be too. And I’m sick of impudent aides telling me I look tired. They don’t look so good either. I really don’t think I look that bad. I still exercise and have fine medical care…

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Conference Call – 2

February 27, 2022

A deferential aide approaches Vladimir Putin and, after being summoned closer, bends to whisper in his ear. “Tell him I’m quite busy,” he says, but a few seconds later he stands. “Okay, I’ll take the call in private. Excuse me, gentlemen.” Putin walks to a nearby room, closes the double doors, and picks up the…

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Putin Invades Ukraine – 1

February 24, 2022

Yes, I am a patriot. I love my country, what remains of it after the tragic dissolution of the Soviet Union, and as the democratic president for life of Russia I’m obligated to preserve our Motherland and, frankly, liberate as much lost territory as possible. If I act with less foresight, hordes from the West…

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