Middle East

One State or Two

February 19, 2017

I knew I was going to be a hell of a president but, frankly, I underestimated myself. I’ve got a great feel for diplomacy and international relations. Did you see me at the news conference last week with Prime Minister Abe after the North Koreans had test fired another ballistic missile? I coolly let the…

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Madam

December 19, 2015

drop your cloak and veil

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Hill of Shame

December 18, 2015

you ask why with blankets and refreshments we like tourists go to parash hill overlooking gaza and i confess i need angry orange flames and plumes of smoke black white and gray and to see buildings collapse and afterward study crimson photos of corpses wrapped white in sheets like those covering my children when they…

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Turkey to ISIS

November 28, 2015

miles of isis tanker trucks back and forth syria to turkey

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Deadly Numbers

November 18, 2015

I was an Iraqi professor of statistics until the United States and later ISIS destroyed my classroom and much of the university. I suppose I should thank each group for attacking when school wasn’t in session, but I believe that may have been coincidental. At any rate, like civilized people everywhere, I commiserate with the…

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Saudis Defend Refugee Policies

September 18, 2015

We in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia are most chagrined by quite ignorant insults about our unwillingness to accept refugees from imploding Syria. It’s unconscionable, say arrogant Westerners, that the Saudis can’t welcome some of their Arab brothers and sisters who’ve been displaced by an enduring civil war; these refugees share the same language and…

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Purgatory

February 9, 2015

I didn’t panic at all, not at first. We tourists at the Museo Casa de Purgatorio in Guanajuato simply followed the guide behind stone walls into a dim room where he said, “Here, ladies and gentlemen, we have a traditional stockade used to harness drunks and teach them discipline. Sir, would you like the give…

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Saddam Counters Islamic State

June 15, 2014

Thankfully I’m an empathetic man or I would’ve hammered my driver into the head of the flunky who interrupted my backswing on the gorgeous eighteenth tee at Doral. He said he was an aide to President Barack Obama and urged me to help save Iraq and the Middle East and vital American and Israeli interests.…

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Pyramids

January 30, 2014

pyramid generals mummify those asking questions

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Netanyahu Assails Rouhani

October 2, 2013

All Iranian leaders are wolves. Ahmadinejad dressed like wolf so was less dangerous than new President Hassan Rouhani who’s disguised as sheep so can pull wool over international eyes. He wants you to forget decade ago he masterminded hiding nuclear weapons program. He didn’t fool Israel. No one fools us. And we pray he won’t…

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New Iranian President

October 1, 2013

I am Hassan Rouhani, new president of Iran and most reasonable and educated man. I speak Persian, Arabic, and English well, received law degree in Scotland, and have served Iran in many high military, diplomatic, and political offices. No one has more relevant experience. I understand people and universal need for expression and think you…

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Putin on Syrian Gas

September 14, 2013

Let’s be honest. I’m shrewdest politician in world. I maneuver into many terms as president, deftly gag dissenters, jail Pussy Riot female rockers who belittle Christ, and now I write columns for New York Times. If life weren’t so good in Russia I’d move to Big Apple and comment full-time. I have special insight into…

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Kerry Challenges Assad

August 28, 2013

We have unassailable evidence Bashar al-Assad gassed Syrian civilians in vile attempt to retain stranglehold on country. What we don’t have is war-winning military option. Americans don’t want to fight in Syria and neither do allies. It’s therefore incumbent on me, as decorated and oft-wounded warrior, to stand up and challenge Assad to hand-to-hand combat.…

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Assad Gas Company

August 23, 2013

Obama has red line between eyes that means I can use gas whenever. I don’t want to every day, only when I need to. Sometimes I need to gas children and other sleeping civilians who understand I must keep power. Only I am qualified to lead. Before I took over, only Father was fit. Syria…

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Morsi the Great

June 29, 2013

I detest people who doubt I’m ideal President of Egypt. I oppose tyranny and always did in years as activist in Muslim Brotherhood. Now I’m battling reactionary elements of former regime trying to regain power and repress liberty. I don’t allow courts to help enemies of progress. I ignore them and godless parties seeking to…

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Assad Hangs

February 23, 2013

I’m not dork or mass murderer. I’m Syrian President for Life and with iron fist striking foreign terrorists agitating my people. This I decree during fiery speeches forcing everyone to understand father and I’ve ruled Syria forty years, lot less than forever enemies will have to wait for me to leave. Twenty million Syrians know…

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Blogger

November 24, 2012

I’m chief of Iranian Cyber-police but you don’t need name. You also don’t need names of three policemen I arrested and will detain while death of blogger Sattar Beheshti is investigated. You must, however, understand we won’t permit Iranian Revolution to be subverted by U.S.-fomented computer agitators. I guarantee Sattar Beheshti deserved to be imprisoned…

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Syrian Military Headquarters Attacked

September 28, 2012

Please be responsible citizens of the world and ignore terrorists’ claims they killed about twenty men at our national military headquarters in downtown Damascus. I assure you none of my officers and soldiers died. Perhaps a few suffered minor injuries. The building itself did sustain some blasts and burns and had to be evacuated. That…

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World According to Americans

June 6, 2012

Don’t know if they were godless communists or radical Muslims but some outrageous critters emailed world map insulting Americans. On map they write we think Canada’s uninhabited. Bull feathers. We know few icy people live up there, and they sure as hell want to be like Alaska next door, which is now America except for…

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Conviction of Bashar al-Assad

June 5, 2012

i keep saying terrorists incited and abetted by foreigners are attacking our beloved syrian homeland and have convinced myself and hope you as well

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