Animals in Office

February 22, 2012

swine snorts at talent wish i’d wonder if too late reptile darts and hisses insinuating problems exist wish i’d wonder if too late hyena snarls at herself through others wish i’d wonder if too late

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Unusual Ladies

November 24, 2011

there was something quite unusual about those three sisters sitting on sofa long blonde hair distorted a bit but otherwise all right really they were quite fat a different kind of fat sort of gray or pink in not only bodies but faces i didn’t understand and decided not to ask when one said we’re…

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Oscar Signs Huge Wal-Mart Deal

October 25, 2010

I will not bemoan but briefly restate, as an introduction to new readers, that I am Oscar the oft-ignored pig who dwelled deep in a Calabasas canyon. I make that reference in past tense for today I can reveal I have maneuvered, boldly rather than treacherously, to improve my station. While my wealthy owners, who…

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Oscar the Pig has a Feast

September 22, 2010

Generally, I am not a plaintive pig. For some fifteen years I have stoically lived – existed, really – in a dreary Calabasas canyon below the opulent home of my owners, who spend much of their time cavorting around the nation and the world. I don’t begrudge them their money, which, to my knowledge, they…

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Squeaky Announces Major Plans

August 3, 2009

I had not planned on changing careers.  I was delighted to be the cow-herding celebrity on a Texas ranch of former fireball pitcher Nolan Ryan, who threw a record seven no-hitters.  I don’t much like baseball as it’s slow and boring but love football, a game in which my four hundred pounds of muscle would’ve…

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Owners Pressure Pig to Work

June 19, 2009

Down to my filthy abode in a Calabasas canyon my owners last week did come, giddily shoving in my snout some overwrought device that bore the startling image of a wild female hog. “Oscar,” they declared, “this should be you.” “Why so?” I asked. “Watch this clip.” “Turn that off and tell me why.  You’re…

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An Indignant Pig

May 13, 2009

Seldom have I complained about my brethren being slaughtered, fried, roasted, and barbecued.  Never did I protest when my owners hired a veterinarian – a butcher with a degree – to whack off my testicles and saw my tusks.  Rarely have I whined about forever being banished to a dreary Calabasas canyon while, in the…

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Life of a Pig

April 18, 2008

I’m twelve years old and have never known another pig since I don’t remember suckling my mother but with enduring clarity I recall my first home, in the back yard of a family in the San Fernando Valley.  I was a twenty-pound piglet then and enjoyed the kids and their friends patting me while cooing…

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