Russia
Bedeviling Questions
Bedeviling Questions by Thomas Clark How many thousands of people did Iranian security forces shoot down in the streets earlier this year? Are powerful idiots from the United States and Israel really firing missiles and drones at Iranian fools who are returning fire? Are they going to try to destroy each other’s energy grids and…
On the Brink
On the Brink by An Iranian Educator I’ve been on the edge of a sword all my life. When I was an adolescent in the late nineteen seventies, sadistic agents from SAVAK, the dreaded secret police of the Shah of Iran, stormed into our home, clubbed my father, cursed my mother, and threatened my brother…
How to Save the World
How to Save the World by Joe Six Pack Some of my neighbors opened their windows and shouted, “Hold it down, redneck,” when I bugled reveille early this morning. I bet most of them are liberals and other traitors. “Go back to bed, cowards,” I shouted. “You can’t protect freedom whether you’re asleep or not.”…
Davos
Davos by Donald Trump I was a little tired but otherwise relaxed and confident flying into Davos on Air Force One which is a decent plane but not as lavish as I’ll have when my new super jet from the Qataris is fixed up. I wish my beautiful wife could be here. She loves going…
Grand Strategy
Grand Strategy by General Douglas MacArthur As the most erudite warrior in the history of my country, and probably the world, I cannot imagine how a dunce like Donald Trump became president of the United States, but I was almost as flabbergasted when my former secretary, Dwight Eisenhower, moved into the White House. I told…
Donald and Kamala Head to Head
“I’m not dealing with this nonsense anymore,” says Donald Trump, slapping his silenced microphone and stepping into auditory range of the two network moderators. “Mr. President,” says the female journalist, “we’re preventing you from interrupting Vice President Harris.” “Both of you liberals know the American people love my voice more than any voice in the…
Tee Time
The studio is dim and empty except for two merciless cameras aimed at a pair of aged candidates targeted by two serious interrogators. “President Biden,” says the female journalist, “many people, including your wife and closest advisors, are concerned that you are weak and descending into senility.” He looks a foot over the wrong camera…
First Steps Toward Peace
In the Oval Office, Secretary of State Antony Blinken extends a paper across the desk and says, “Mr. President, we have a new report from Gaza.” “Just read it to me, please.” Blinken, sitting opposite Biden, clears his throat and reports, “More than twenty-three thousand people, including at least ten thousand children, have been killed…
Putin’s Grand Strategy – 16
The Americans are eternal enemies striving to surround my cold and tattered but still great Russian Empire. Their latest lies can be read in a thousand places. Here I will simply cite a few of the most outrageous accusations from a recent Associated Press article. Instead of thanking me for pulling my troops back from…
Heavy Load – 15
A phone rings on the desk in his Kremlin office and he answers and says, “Hello, sweetheart.” “Have you seen that interview?” she asks. “Which one?” “The one from Ukraine.” “You’re not supposed to watch foreign propaganda.” “You need to see it.” He exhales hard and asks, “Why?” “Because I can feel it’s true.” “I…
Putin’s Grand Plan – 14
Backed by a huge wall map, Vladimir Putin stands before a few trusted generals and advisors, and states, “We must regard my following strategic statements as top secret and essential to our survival.” They look attentively at their leader. “Once we’ve captured all enemy territory on the Black Sea, we will subjugate Moldova and let…
Rally in Moscow – 13
The factory director tells us we won’t be working any more today because we have a special surprise. We’re going to our beautiful national stadium to hear a speech by the great Vladimir Putin who’s been our powerful president since before I could walk. A few people say they don’t want to go and that’s…
When Sergey Lavrov Awakens – 12
Vladimir, we’ve got to do something. That little bastard’s killing us. Maybe we’ll get him someday. I hope so. Meanwhile he’s arousing tears and standing ovations in legislative bodies and living rooms around the world. Did you see his speech to Congress? He says Russians are against human values and Ukrainian dreams, the same dreams…
Putin’s Terms – 11
Don’t swallow the lie that I wanted all of Ukraine and am only limiting my goals since the enemy’s proving tougher and more skillful than expected and our troops are fighting with less skill and élan than I demanded and international sanctions continue to bleed our economy and force us to default on foreign debt…
Tchaikovsky Protests – 10
Oh surely you realize that a man of my sensibilities and intimate tastes could never support a beast like Vladimir Putin and his henchmen, and I’m in accord with sanctions against oligarchical money as well as Russian gas and oil and even ethnic restaurants and bars in other lands. Starve the tyrant’s war machine and…
Klitschko to Russia – 9
(Mayor of Kyiv Vitali Klitschko addressed the Russian people in a YouTube video posted on March 11, 2022. Highlights and minor additions follow below.) I’ll tell you in Russian that your unprovoked attack on my country is barbarism based on absolute propaganda and nonsense. You’re arrogant to tell us we’re not a nation and spread…
Chemical Weapons – 8
All the time I hear Western reports that I’m tense and not as sharp or in control as I used to be. I guarantee that’s fake news. I’m a physical and mental fortress who’s always understood how to defeat enemies. Twenty years ago Chechen rebels used chemical weapons against us and I ordered our forces…
What Does the Media Really Want in Ukraine? – 7
Unless you’re spending hours a day scouring the internet in search of critical news from Ukraine, you probably missed President Volodymyr Zelensky’s essential compromise that his nation is now willing to forgo membership in NATO. That should have been the lead story on all platforms around the world. Instead, we heard Zelensky evoke Churchill by…
Going Home – 6
I wasn’t planning to join the army but don’t sweat it when they draft me since I’m an unemployed nineteen year old guy looking for something in life. During basic training the drill instructors scream all the time and make us do a lot of extra marches and exercises but when that ends they tell…
Zelensky Duels Putin – 5
In a sealed room somewhere bombs can’t be heard, Vladimir Putin, standing by his chair, points to a table long as a bowling lane, and says, “Please sit down.” Volodymyr Zelensky stations himself at one end and Putin the other. “Welcome, President Zelensky. I trust you had a comfortable trip. As you know, I guaranteed…