Tiger Woods
Tiger’s Green Jacket
I can’t sleep. I’d get up and do something if I could but my back’s too sore. It hurts all the time. I’ll take another pain pill or two. I’ll take whatever’s necessary to quit hurting. I think my mind hurts more than my back. What I’ve got to do is quit thinking. This all…
Read MoreHe’s Tiger Again
I don’t know Tiger Woods personally. Like millions I’ve instead for a generation enjoyed his mastery on golf courses and felt emotionally connected to his seventy-nine career victories, many dominant and all exciting. I’ve also winced as he struggled with personal problems and a series of injuries and surgeries and wondered if he’d ever walk…
Read MoreTiger Woods on the Prowl
Few in any sport have exerted the gravitational pull of red-shirted Tiger Woods on championship Sundays. For twelve years he dominated the landscape, shooting eighteen under par to demolish the field in his first professional Masters, inventing the Tiger Slam, an unprecedented four straight majors over two seasons, and seizing fourteen majors and dozens of…
Read MoreTiger’s Many Aches
About fifty years ago a wisecracking Brooklyn-born barber clipping in Sacramento took a yellow newspaper article off his wall, handed it to me, and said, “This is for you. And don’t forget, despite all these injuries he’s got more World Series home runs than anyone. How many does your guy Willie Mays have?” Uncharacteristically, I…
Read MoreGolf Course Braces for Wild High School Reunion
Sacramento, CA – Officials at scenic Ancil Hoffman Golf Course, which stretches along the American River east of town, issued an emergency decree this morning after police informed them that a (publicly-unnamed) suburban high school, notorious for its rowdy alumni, plans next week to attack the links with ten foursomes celebrating forty years of parole…
Read MoreHypocrites Still Attacking Tiger Woods
I am honored today to speak for the greatest, most powerful and God-fearing creatures who have yet graced the earth, the white American male. For three months now we have been in the throes of moral outrage because Tiger Woods, after years of profitably portraying himself as a dedicated and monogamous family man, was revealed…
Read MoreReversing Elin and Tiger Woods
Beautiful Elin Woods, the Athlete of the Decade and, perhaps more significantly, the most compelling entertainer on earth, remains in isolation and is quite depressed. One understands why. For thirteen years, until the early and dangerous hours after Thanksgiving Day, Elin had stridden the world’s golf courses as unrivalled queen, and her corporate dominance was…
Read MoreHow Tiger Woods Should Respond
Until recent revelations of my weakness for young white female flesh, and the overwhelming moral outrage that followed, I thought in a sexual sense I was a relatively normal guy, that is one ready to squeeze any appealing woman who beckoned. Now, sadly, after reading countless rabid condemnations in the press and blogosphere and cringing…
Read MoreManagement Teams Clarifies Adventures of Tiger Woods
Bulletins from TigerWoods.com Saturday November 28, 11:30 a.m. It is untrue that Tiger Woods is having an affair with a striking New York City celebrity chaser, Rachel Uchitel, and therefore it is a lie that his wife Elin attacked him for so doing. About 2:25 a.m. Friday November 27, after failing to properly digest turkey…
Read MoreTabulating Tiger Woods
More than a decade of launching missiles from the tee, targeting the green with long irons, battering the pin with approach shots, chipping close from the rough, nailing putts long and short on greens flat and undulating around the globe, pumping his fist, intimidating opponents, and forging preposterous victories – by 15 strokes in a…
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