Creative Commentary
Chimpanzee Discusses Weapons Making
As Chief of Chimpanzees, I have the duty to assure our closest genetic cousins, and most unrelenting enemies – human beings – that though we chimps are developing weapons, we are not doing so to attack the kings of the earth. Despite their paranoid nature, humans, I am certain, will believe me. Their arsenals of…
Read MoreAfrican American Activist Denounces Hate Crimes Trial
I hope you’ve been reading about the typical white racist attempt to just about lynch those ten black juveniles, including nine girls, falsely accused of stomping three young white women outside a haunted house last Halloween night in Long Beach, California. When they were surrounded by a group of taunting, crotch-grabbing African Americans, the white…
Read MoreFrom Germany, a Comedy about Hitler
“Did you know they’ve been laughing about Hitler in Germany?” asked the publicist. “Now?” I responded. “No, I didn’t. They ribbed him quite a bit until he took power in 1933, and they still did once in a while later in the 30’s. But they had to be careful.” “This is different. They’ve made a…
Read MoreDiscouraged
I’m not going to tell whether as security officer I serve old Baathists, new Sunnis, Sadr Shiites, Iranian Shiites, autonomous Kurds, Christians, or CIA operatives. I can’t tell you because I often don’t know. Look what happened November fourteenth – year doesn’t matter – at Ministry of Education research center: several dozen men driving pickup…
Read MoreAccepting Responsibility for Gang Violence
Driving home one recent night I inadvertently punched in a radio station offering the local news, that eternal barrage of murders, fires, and car crashes. I would’ve turned to something more stimulating but was startled by the strident voice, half way to a yell, of a lady who in this story will be called Ann…
Read MoreBreaking the Fast of Ramadan
Dawn till dusk Ramadan adherents forsake food, drink, sex, and destructive behavior to “cleanse bodies and souls, empathize with less fortunate, embrace self-purity and self-restraint, cut themselves off from worldly conflicts, and focus on purpose of life by constantly being aware of God.” Month of rigor ends with consumption of dates followed by feast. Afterward…
Read MoreHugo Chavez Show
I’m having great time. I’ve got own television show, and no one can cancel. Who’d want to? Almost every Sunday I put on best show ever. I talk about politics and baseball and sex on “Alo Presidente” and then sing before discussing Christ – first socialist – and reminisce about military career as lieutenant colonel…
Read MoreDick Cheney Intensifies Attacks on Lamont and other Enemies
Many cowardly liberal isolationists are demanding I apologize for accusing Ned Lamont of helping “Al Qaeda types” realize their “bet they can ultimately break the will of the American people” and ruin our ability to “stay in the fight and complete the task.” I shan’t take that back nor my trenchant comment that the Democratic…
Read MoreFidel Poised
Last week the imperialists again unleashed their lies, wishfully proclaiming I was either dead or incapacitated. In fact, I was neither. I was recovering remarkably well from surgery to stop intestinal bleeding. The Cuban people didn’t need to know whether I had cancer or diverticulosis or some other ailment. They only yearned for reassurance their…
Read MoreWhy Israel and Palestine Must Become One State
In April last year I wrote a column noting there will always be intolerable discord between Jews and Arabs until Israel helps Palestine build a free and independent state. This is not a fantasy…fantastic is the continuing belief that current trends will ever lead to peace. Growing numbers of Israeli Jews want Israeli Arabs to…
Read MoreTop Adviser Offers Blueprint of Mexico’s Future
All Mexican presidential candidates launched their 2006 campaigns by acknowledging that I more than anyone had mastered the essential issues and formed astonishing plans to propel our country out of Third World quicksand and into the cherished state of First World existence. I was thus going to be the foremost adviser no matter who won…
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