Conquering Congress

by Pete Hegseth

I hate testifying before those weak and traitorous Democrats in the Capitol. For cheap political advantage they insult my patriotism and pretend that they, rather than my comrades and I, are the ones guarding our nation. They wouldn’t dare run their mouths to a warrior like me if we were in the streets or any other field of combat.

“I know the majority of American people support our mission in Iran despite liberal loose talk and words like ‘quagmire’ and ‘forever war,’” I testified last week, often frowning. “Give me a break. We’ve only been at war two months. That’s not forever and it’s far from a quagmire. The biggest challenge our nation faces is not Iranians and Muslims but feckless and defeatist liberals in the United States.”

Maybe they’re just dumb. Take Congressman Ro Khanna from California, the most poorly run state in the nation, who complained that my request for one-trillion-five-hundred-billion dollars for defense next year is outrageous and will cost Americans even more for gas and food.

“What is the cost of an Iranian nuclear bomb?” I asked him.

He kept blabbering but I overpowered with a logical question he could not refute: “How much would you pay to prevent Iran from having nuclear weapons?”

Smart Americans would pay whatever it took. They’d also make sure we had the right people in command. That’s my job. Senator Jack Reed of Rhode Island showed his ignorance when he said, “Sixty percent of those officers you fired were either black or female.”

“We felt there had been too much emphasis on race and gender,” I explained.

“Why did you dismiss General Randy George, the army chief of staff?” he asked. “He was one of the most admired generals of his generation. Many people believe you promote and fire based on Christianity and nationalism rather than merit.”

“We have confidentiality restrictions so I can’t give you precise reasons for dismissing General George. I can tell you we had to change the culture, and for that we needed new leadership.”

That was a polite way of saying the people I axed weren’t on board with President Trump saving our country by attacking enemies, rebuking lazy allies, and levying tariffs on nations ripping us off.

Senator Elizabeth Warren of eternally liberal Massachusetts never understands anything except how to falsely represent herself as having some Native American blood. Remember that claim a few years ago? She hopes you’ve forgotten. She’d rather accuse me of using my position to get great stock tips so I can easily beat the market.

Cuttingly, I told her, “It’s ridiculous to accuse me of insider trading. I’m not the Secretary of War for money. I’m dedicated to destroying our enemies.”

I knew Senator Mark Kelly of Arizona, a former fighter pilot and astronaut, would try to get revenge. Even though he was retired, I had tried to lower his final rank and his pension because I have video of Senator Kelly telling troops to disobey illegal orders. That’s extremely dangerous. In the mayhem of war, who the hell has time to determine what is precisely legal?

“Mr. Secretary,” he said, “I’m trying to understand exactly what you meant when you said our troops give ‘no quarter, no mercy” to our enemies. That’s against international law.”

“We fight to win and we follow the law,” I told him. “But the Iranians don’t.”

“Answer my question. It sounds like you’re saying you believe our troops don’t have to obey traditional rules of combat and accept the surrender of enemies who wish to lay down their arms and who then have the right to be taken prisoner and cared for in a reasonable and humane manner.”

“We fight to win and we follow the law.”

“You’re presiding over the amateur hour and are completely unqualified for this job,” he said.

I’ve been in combat and am ready for more and wanted to stand and tell Kelly to get up and walk toward me so we can show the nation who’s the most qualified man of arms.

George Thomas Clark on Amazon