“Good fences make good neighbors,” declares a man on the other side of his border with Robert Frost, and the poet considers telling him: “Before I built a wall I’d ask to know what I was walling in or walling out.”  I’m poised online, and at points of conflagration worldwide, to tell Mr. Frost that by building impenetrable security barriers he would be walling in righteousness and walling out evil.  That is my job.  I am the world’s greatest builder of walls, and a multitude of tasks I shall eternally have.

Right now my crews are frenetically working to erect a bulwark of peace on the Israeli-Lebanese border.  It will also be necessary to build a wall between Hezbollah, configured against Israel in southern Lebanon, and the rest of the latter country.  Another unbroken fortification must as well divide Lebanon and Syria.

As you know I’ve long been working hard on the fence between Israel and the West Bank (or Palestine, if you prefer.)  That wall will make everything better as will the ones I’m building around the Gaza Strip   I’d like to build a barrier in the Sinai desert too, but the Israelis won’t hire me, claiming it’s not necessary.  Someday it might be, but at that point the price would not be as affordable as it is today.

In the 1980’s I should have been brought in to forge a fence between bloodthirsty neighbors Iran and Iraq.  Hundreds of thousands of lives would have been saved.  And it’s not altogether too late.  After finishing my barricade along that lamentable line I could continue the structure all the way around Iran and come back to encircle Iraq as well.

Currently I’m negotiating with the Russians to build a bastion between themselves and the Afghans as well as one separating them from the Chechins.  In that region the Chinese have also asked me to craft something in the style of the Great Wall to exclude the Russians.  Meanwhile, many Europeans are urging me to put up an improved Berlin Wall to block the Balkans.  And my top engineers are daily struggling to address Europe’s most grievous security need: developing a Mediterranean Sea Wall to prevent Muslims from entering the promised land to the North.   Regarding sub-Saharan Africa, we are likewise concerned, and have in our conceptual computers plans to build hundreds of thousands of miles of walls between countries, regions, cities, and tribes, and thereby eliminate poverty as well as war.

My largest in-progress project is the magnificent battlement being created along every inch of the United States-Mexican border.  The Americans must be protected from what they crave and need, and the Mexicans must be prevented from giving it to them.  That’s security.  And that, my friends, is also a foolproof means of safeguarding the English language and Anglo-European culture.

Had I been brought in earlier, I could have saved Los Angeles by sealing off the north-of-Wilshire rich from the poor to the south.  And I could have protected the poor from each other by throwing up a barricade between blacks and Latinos.  Now they’re often living and quarreling among each other and I’m obliged to build thousands of walls around houses.  These small projects are a nuisance but thoroughly profitable.

I know what my critics have been asking: what about missiles and rockets?  Don’t worry.  I’m soon to start a roofing firm.