Dear President Rodrigo Duterte,

I would like to at once thank you in writing, as I soon shall in person, for allowing my publicly-displayed and cosmetically-altered corpse to be removed from refrigerated and glass-encased exile and moved to its rightful place of honor, the Heroes’ Cemetery of our great Philippine nation, over which I benevolently ruled for twenty-one years of splendid economic growth and societal development.

Only a fellow warrior such as you, who have already slaughtered hundreds of suspected drug dealers, can appreciate the sacrifices I made as an intrepid and highly-decorated guerilla leader who throttled the Japanese during World War II. My enemies lie when they say I in fact received no medals from the United States. Trust me, our American allies honored my martial heroism then as they later did when I incessantly warned them about the communist menace in our country as well as in Vietnam and other victims of the monolithic Red rogue that would have overwhelmed us had I not galvanized our people and our allies.

In so doing, as you know, it was necessary for me to temporarily bury our constitution and institute martial law for a vital fourteen years during which I murdered political opponents, shut down newspapers and other media outlets, and awarded myself and my family and cronies billions of dollars of national treasure that, in effect, came from the hides of our dear Filipino compatriots. That was their sacrifice, and most happily made it due to my handsomeness and charisma and, most significantly, my extraordinary development of our national infrastructure. Thousands of schools and commercial buildings and bridges and highways exist only because of my wizardry.

Had my enemies, the very sort who today oppose you, not removed me from office in 1986, after a much-too-short generation in Malacañang Palace, our nation might today have the economic power of Japan. My departure was a national tragedy but my posthumous return several years later led to my permanent public presence in a sacred museum visited by countless worshipers who gasped, there is Marcos, Marcos yet lives, he can save us still.

President Duterte, thanks to your blessed arrival as our leader, I can in the Heroes’ Cemetery rest in confidence that our nation is again in the hands of a strongman who will fight for justice and law and order as well as the financial betterment of our people. I assure you that I have no designs on presidential office, and merely offer you my counsel whenever you choose to seek it, and close by hoping that we, two gifted womanizers, can occasionally relax together with some beautiful young ladies worthy of our eminent attention.

Sincerely yours,

Ferdinand Marcos