It is my ultimate honor as a warrior and patriot to campaign for governor of California in the manner of General Patton, wearing a three-star helmet, a pearl-handle pistol on each hip, and gleaming combat boots on my fast-moving feet. I am Jerry Brown 2010, and have banished the gubernatorial space cadet of the 1970’s who mollycoddled murderers by loudly opposing capital punishment and seeking to forever lift society into a more sublime and introspective state of existence.

What was I thinking? I’d hoped you wouldn’t ask and will have to satisfy you with a blend of political and philosophical pabulum that can be reduced to this: as the attorney general of murder-glutted California, I am now duty bound to uphold the laws of the state. Since only thirteen murderers have been executed following the official, though often illusory, return of capital punishment in 1977, I have instructed my officers to battle for executions. We must punish those who have committed the most heinous crimes and deter others and start pruning our bloated death row establishment, which is much larger than that of any other state.

Don’t bother me with rebukes that as governor I appointed Rose Bird and two other determined opponents of the death penalty to the state supreme court. I know what happened. They were eventually booted by voters outraged the justices kept refusing to carry out the law. Don’t worry. I’m on board. I ensured the death chamber at San Quentin was modernized and humanized so killers could painlessly be put to death and bleeding hearts couldn’t complain. There should be no more obstacles in executing Albert Greenwood Brown, who kidnapped, raped, and murdered a fifteen-year old girl in 1980. That was thirty years ago. We must not wait any longer. In November the voters will decide whether conservative Republican Meg Whitman or I will be the next governor. According to polls I’ve recently come from seven points down to four ahead. Californians sense I’m ready to slap anyone who won’t uphold our most sacred law.