Himmler Visits North Korea

May 31, 2014

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I’m tired of people joking the Reichsfuehrer SS once gagged and almost fainted after seeing some civilians shot. I did stagger, yes, but didn’t fall or vomit and, after being helped away and recovering, I sent orders to continue shooting. That’s such a slow and messy process, I know. We don’t have any gas chambers in the Soviet Union but command six very productive facilities in Poland.

There are glitches in any large operation, even ours, but people know Heinrich Himmler is the most efficient man in the world and want my advice. And if they deserve it, as Kim Jong-Un does, I will help. But I tell the North Koreans there’s to be no shooting when I’m visiting camps. Shoot all you want before or after but cease fire when my shiny jackboots approach.

I must tell you that Kim is a repugnant fat-faced slob and racially intolerable, but this is business and I shake his hand. We’re at camp No. 14, and I’m told there’s also a 15, 16, and 25. They don’t have beautiful names like ours. Right away I ask, what is the purpose of this camp. Is it primarily a death camp like Auschwitz or a concentration camp like Dachau.

Above all, this is where we isolate enemies and their families, who may also be infected, he says.

Good. Political hygiene is as important as medical. What do you do with religious fanatics.

We exterminate them. Our police, like your SS, are quite proficient at identifying not only dangerous families but entire communities, neighborhoods, and villages, and rooting them out.

That you must. And how many gas chambers do you have.

We as yet have none, Herr Reichsfuehrer, and I don’t believe we need them.

So how, specifically, do you cleanse yourself of infectious enemies.

Look over there at those skeletons struggling to walk and carry shovels. They’ll soon be dead.

What about those who’ve become too weak to work.

We usually forget to feed them.

And when they get sick.

We have a saying, better a shot to the head than a needle in the arm.

Remember, no shooting while I’m here.

I haven’t forgotten, Herr Reichsfuehrer. Please step this way. I hope you don’t mind seeing a little torture.

I don’t enjoy screams.

Without screams, there is no torture.

I agree, but let’s just move along.

In that building we force abortions and perform other medical procedures. I know you like them.

I like reading and hearing reports about them, no more. I’ve seen how this kind of work destroys the nerves of my men, sometimes forever.

My men are tough and can take it. They just need a little recreation with some of the ladies.

You don’t mean rape.

It matters not.

We’ve executed some rapists in our ranks.

Rather for show, I imagine, Herr Reichsfuehrer.

We believe in discipline and the rule of law, I say.

So do most of our twenty-five million worshipers. Soon we’ll have no internal enemies.

How many have you liquidated.

More than a hundred thousand and counting.

Dreadfully inefficient, I think, and run numbers trough my analytical brain and figure, once we defeat the Russians and the West, we’ll conquer this primitive tribe and gas five or ten million, starting with Kim, and enslave the rest.

George Thomas Clark

George Thomas Clark is the author of Hitler Here, a biographical novel published in India and the Czech Republic as well as the United States. His commentaries for GeorgeThomasClark.com are read in more than 50 countries a month.

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