In Command

by Benjamin Netanyahu

I hope you understand that dear friend and ally President Trump didn’t really mean it when he shouted into my phone, “We’ve got a ceasefire in Lebanon and you’re screwing things up. Are you fucking crazy? Everyone hates you. Without me, you’d be in jail.”

“That’s possible, Mr. President,” I said. “And you’ll be in the next cell if you abandon me.”

“Don’t threaten me, Bibi. Iran won’t open the Strait of Hormuz as long as you’re bombing Lebanon. I can’t win the mid-term elections unless you cooperate.”

“Trust my judgment. What I’m doing is the only path to the final solution.”

Lowering his voice, Trump said, “At least quit bombing Beirut. You can do that, can’t you?”

“Maybe I can hold off a little while, but I won’t stop striking southern Lebanon as long as Hezbollah keeps firing missiles into northern Israel.”

“How the hell did I get in such a mess?” Trump lamented. “You talked me into it.”

“I’m trying to save the world from nuclear annihilation at the hands of the Iranians.”

“You’re trying to keep this war going. Just how much territory do you think the world’s gonna let you grab?”

“The world can’t stop me right now. That’s why I’m striking at this unique historical moment. I know the United States will back me.”

“You’re leaning too hard on us for protection. Take a look at the polls. I can’t do this forever.”

“If you betray Israel, many billionaires would withdraw their support while the new Democrat Congress digs dig deeper into Epstein and other unpleasant matters.”

“I told you not to threaten me,” he shouted.

“You need me as much as I need you.”

“Bullshit,” he said, and hung up.

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