Kerry Challenges Assad
August 28, 2013
We have unassailable evidence Bashar al-Assad gassed Syrian civilians in vile attempt to retain stranglehold on country. What we don’t have is war-winning military option. Americans don’t want to fight in Syria and neither do allies. It’s therefore incumbent on me, as decorated and oft-wounded warrior, to stand up and challenge Assad to hand-to-hand combat. If he wins – and he’s much younger (albeit dorky) – then United States will not launch air and cruise missile strikes against chemical weapons sites. If I win, the tyrant must leave.
“Why should Assad accept?” you may ask. “He can keep doing whatever he wants.”
That’s not accurate. As Secretary of State I must tell you that next transgression will force us to begin attacking him personally at homes in offices and military compounds and in transit. We shall drop bombs and fire cruise missiles wherever we think he is. We’d rather not do this. We dread blowing up more civilians than he gassed.
The solution is as I stated: Assad and I will settle this mano a mano. We’ll sell tickets to live event and top all pay per view records. We’ll let everyone watch good destroy evil. All we need is for Bashar al-Assad to show up. And he will, won’t he?