I am in splendid health. Reports of my suffering strokes and other debilitating maladies are simply the delusions of enemies who refuse to admit that the great North Korean nation built by my late father, Kim Il Sung, and I is a fountain of wealth, happiness, and awesome military power. I recently celebrated my good fortune, and that of my happy and healthy subjects, on the sixtieth anniversary of the start of the Korean War, a conflict that never really ended and that can and will erupt if I need to defend myself against the imperialists to our south. I shouldn’t have to remind them that my artillery and missiles, the conventional ones alone, could destroy much of Seoul in a few hours.

Ten years ago, when commemorating the fiftieth anniversary of our war to liberate the Korean Peninsula, I tried to be friendly but my affection has repeatedly been rebuffed, and constant threats have been issued, by nuclear-glutted invaders from the United States who irrationally strive to deny me the destructive powers they have possessed since 1945 when they twice incinerated my Asian brothers, and dastardly occupiers, the Japanese.

I really don’t trust anyone and must remain poised to strike, especially after March when my enemies in South Korean accused me of torpedoing one of their warships and killing forty-six sailors. What an insult. If I’d wanted blood I could’ve killed hundreds of thousands. But I didn’t because I want peace. That’s why I need nuclear weapons, to deter the South Koreans and Americans from scheming and creating more pretexts to strangle me with economic sanctions. Those sanctions haven’t worked. My people are flourishing. Reports of widespread poverty and starvation are outright lies. I may have to unleash total war if these provocations cause confusion and unrest at home.

If I have a fault, it is that I am too kind and have tolerated too many grave strategic threats from those who will never voluntarily cede to us the inalienable right to nuclear self-defense. But I’ll compel them to defer. My scientists are rapidly advancing our nuclear and missile technology, and I will soon be able to incinerate South Korea and, I sincerely believe, destroy a few cities in the United States. Don’t call me reckless and suicidal. I know launching a nuclear attack would mean my destruction, if indeed I am mortal, but death by the sword would be manifestly more honorable and satisfying than permitting imperialist liars and agitators to convince my people that I am less than their eternal protector.