Bulletins from TigerWoods.com

Saturday November 28, 11:30 a.m.

It is untrue that Tiger Woods is having an affair with a striking New York City celebrity chaser, Rachel Uchitel, and therefore it is a lie that his wife Elin attacked him for so doing.  About 2:25 a.m. Friday November 27, after failing to properly digest turkey and dressing consumed Thanksgiving afternoon, Tiger was suddenly compelled to get one of his regular wee-hours workouts in a nearby gym, dashed to his SUV, ignored his seatbelt, ignited the engine, and rushed out the driveway of his Florida mansion.  It is untrue Tiger had facial lacerations until, a few seconds later, he demolished a fire hydrant and crashed into a tree next door.  It is naturally untrue that Elin had been chasing him with a golf club.  In fact, intrepid Elin heard the collision while she was washing dishes, instinctively picked up one of her husband’s magical clubs, sprinted from the home, and smashed both side rear windows so she could extricate then treat her comatose husband, who was only now bleeding from his mouth and face.  Do not invade the couple’s privacy by asking how smashing side rear windows enabled her to rescue her husband.

It is true, as reported, that Tiger regained consciousness after only six minutes, rode comfortably to the hospital, had his cuts patched, and in good condition returned to his home Friday.  Reports that Tiger had not been drinking are accurate, and so is the statement that he had been taking small doses of a prescription painkiller.

Saturday November 28, 3:30 p.m.

It is true that Tiger Woods was sleeping Friday afternoon, as wife Elin told police at the front door of their home.  She asked the police to return the next day but Tiger’s agent called them Saturday and ordered them to wait until Sunday.  It is untrue that the police replied, “Sir, yes sir.”

Naturally, it is also untrue that team Tiger is stalling so his lacerations can heal enough to hide their origin.  It therefore follows as false that his handlers are concocting a story that will preclude assault charges being filed against Elin.  It is likewise absurd the team is anxious to suppress even the suspicion of scandal that might undermine Tiger’s billion-dollar endorsement empire.  Tiger and Elin are in fact anxious to talk to the police, and may opt to do so as soon as Tiger is able, possibly as early as Sunday afternoon, two and a half days after the frightening accident.

Sunday November 29, 1 p.m.

Read the landmark statement on TigerWoods.com.  Tiger composed this just minutes ago and dictated it to Elin who made the post: “This situation is my fault…The only person responsible for the action is me…My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble.  She was the first person to help me.  Any other assertion is absolutely false.”

Sunday November 29, 1:01 p.m.

Due to the thousands of malicious rumors surrounding this simple fender-bender, Team Woods has hired powerhouse attorney Mark Nejame, who immediately ordered the police to cancel their Sunday meeting with Tiger and Elin.  Tiger is not required by law to discuss this matter with police.  Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel has signed on with celebrity attorney Allred, who greeted her this morning at Los Angeles International Airport.

Sunday November 29, 1:02 p.m.

Ain’t that about what you expected?