Management Teams Clarifies Adventures of Tiger Woods

November 29, 2009

Home » Commentary » Management Teams Clarifies Adventures of Tiger Woods

Bulletins from

Saturday November 28, 11:30 a.m.

It is untrue that Tiger Woods is having an affair with a striking New York City celebrity chaser, Rachel Uchitel, and therefore it is a lie that his wife Elin attacked him for so doing.  About 2:25 a.m. Friday November 27, after failing to properly digest turkey and dressing consumed Thanksgiving afternoon, Tiger was suddenly compelled to get one of his regular wee-hours workouts in a nearby gym, dashed to his SUV, ignored his seatbelt, ignited the engine, and rushed out the driveway of his Florida mansion.  It is untrue Tiger had facial lacerations until, a few seconds later, he demolished a fire hydrant and crashed into a tree next door.  It is naturally untrue that Elin had been chasing him with a golf club.  In fact, intrepid Elin heard the collision while she was washing dishes, instinctively picked up one of her husband’s magical clubs, sprinted from the home, and smashed both side rear windows so she could extricate then treat her comatose husband, who was only now bleeding from his mouth and face.  Do not invade the couple’s privacy by asking how smashing side rear windows enabled her to rescue her husband.

It is true, as reported, that Tiger regained consciousness after only six minutes, rode comfortably to the hospital, had his cuts patched, and in good condition returned to his home Friday.  Reports that Tiger had not been drinking are accurate, and so is the statement that he had been taking small doses of a prescription painkiller.

Saturday November 28, 3:30 p.m.

It is true that Tiger Woods was sleeping Friday afternoon, as wife Elin told police at the front door of their home.  She asked the police to return the next day but Tiger’s agent called them Saturday and ordered them to wait until Sunday.  It is untrue that the police replied, “Sir, yes sir.”

Naturally, it is also untrue that team Tiger is stalling so his lacerations can heal enough to hide their origin.  It therefore follows as false that his handlers are concocting a story that will preclude assault charges being filed against Elin.  It is likewise absurd the team is anxious to suppress even the suspicion of scandal that might undermine Tiger’s billion-dollar endorsement empire.  Tiger and Elin are in fact anxious to talk to the police, and may opt to do so as soon as Tiger is able, possibly as early as Sunday afternoon, two and a half days after the frightening accident.

Sunday November 29, 1 p.m.

Read the landmark statement on  Tiger composed this just minutes ago and dictated it to Elin who made the post: “This situation is my fault…The only person responsible for the action is me…My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble.  She was the first person to help me.  Any other assertion is absolutely false.”

Sunday November 29, 1:01 p.m.

Due to the thousands of malicious rumors surrounding this simple fender-bender, Team Woods has hired powerhouse attorney Mark Nejame, who immediately ordered the police to cancel their Sunday meeting with Tiger and Elin.  Tiger is not required by law to discuss this matter with police.  Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel has signed on with celebrity attorney Allred, who greeted her this morning at Los Angeles International Airport.

Sunday November 29, 1:02 p.m.

Ain’t that about what you expected?

George Thomas Clark

George Thomas Clark is the author of Hitler Here, a biographical novel published in India and the Czech Republic as well as the United States. His commentaries for are read in more than 50 countries a month.

Recent Commentary


HITLER HERE is a well researched and lyrically written biographical novel offering first-person stories by the Fuehrer and a variety of other characters. This intimate approach invites the reader to peer into Hitler’s mind, talk to Eva Braun, joust with Goering, Goebbels, and Himmler, debate with the generals, fight on land and at sea and…
See More
Art history and fiction merge to reveal the lives and emotions of great painters Vincent van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Frida Kahlo, Diego Rivera, William H. Johnson, Lee Krasner, and many others.
See More
This fast-moving collection blends fiction and movie history to illuminate the stimulating lives and careers of noted actors, actresses, and directors. Stars of this book include Humphrey Bogart, Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe, Bette Davis, Alfred Hitchcock, Clint Eastwood, Cate Blanchett, and Spike Lee.
See More
In this collection of thirty-eight chiseled short stories, George Thomas Clark introduces readers to actors, alcoholics, addicts, writers famous and unknown, a general, a lovelorn farmer, a family besieged by cancer, extraterrestrials threatening the world, a couple time traveling back to a critical battle, a deranged husband chasing his wife, and many more memorable people…
See More
Anne Frank On Tour and Other Stories
This lively collection offers literary short stories founded on History, Love, Need, Excess, and Final Acts.
See More
In lucid prose author George Thomas Clark recalls the challenges of growing up in a family beset by divorce, depression, and alcoholism, and battling similar problems as an adult.
See More
Let’s invite many of the greatest boxers and their contemporaries to tell their own stories, some true, others tales based on history. The result is a fascinating look into the lives and battles of those who thrilled millions but often ruined themselves while so doing.
See More
In a rousing trip through the worlds of basketball and football, George Thomas Clark explores the professional basketball league in Mexico, the Herculean talents of Wilt Chamberlain, the artistry of LeBron James, the brilliance of Bill Walsh, and lots more. Half the stories are nonfiction and others are satirical pieces guided by the unwavering hand of an inspired storyteller.
See More
Get on board this collection of satirical stories, based on news, about the entertaining but absurd and often quite dangerous events following the election of President Donald J. Trump in November 2016 until January 6, 2021, shortly after his loss to Joe Biden.
See More
Join Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush and other notables on a raucous ride into a fictional world infused with facts from one of the roughest political races in modern U.S. history.
See More
History and literary fiction enliven the Barack Obama phenomenon from the African roots of his father and grandfather to the United States where young Obama struggles to control vices and establish his racial identity. Soon, the young politician is soaring but under fire from a variety of adversaries including Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh.
See More
These satirical columns allow startlingly candid Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush to explain their need to control the destinies of countries, regions, and, ultimately, the world. Osama bin Laden, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Karl Rove, and other notables, not all famous, also demand part of the stage.
See More
Where Will We Sleep
Determined to learn more about those who fate did not favor, the author toured tattered, handmade refuges of those without homes and interviewed them on the streets and in homeless shelters, and conversed with the poor in the United States, Mexico, Ecuador, and Spain, and on occasion wrote composite stories to illuminate their difficult lives.
See More
In search of stimulating stories, the author interviewed prostitutes in Madrid, Mexico City, Havana, and Managua and on many boulevards in the United States, and he talked to detectives and rode the rough roads of social workers who deal with human trafficking, which is contemporary slavery, and sometimes used several lives to create stories, and everywhere he ventured he witnessed struggles of those whose lives are bound In Other Hands.
See More
In compressed language Clark presents a compilation of short stories and creative columns about relationships between men and women.
See More