Melania
by Donald Trump

I guess you know I was voted the most popular ladies’ man at my high school. We didn’t have any female students, but the guys often saw me driving around with the hottest girls in town. Some of the guys were jealous, of course, but most admired me and asked a lot of questions, and I explained, “They just seem to love me. I guess it’s my looks and confidence.”

In college and especially when I began my full-time real estate career, I learned a lot about scheduling and schmoozing, and people asked, “How are you making so much money despite going out all the time?”

“I’ve got incredible energy and can go all day and night.”

Even if I remained a swinging bachelor, I figured I could conquer the bluenoses of Manhattan who looked down on me since I was from Queens, but I needed a respectable home life because I wanted kids and the status of being a husband and father as well as a young real estate baron. I was thirty-one when I married beautiful model Ivana in 1977. She was only three years younger, and that would be a problem, though at the time I didn’t worry. She was fertile, and we had three kids in seven years, and she was ambitious, helping me decorate and manage some of my properties.

Unfortunately, in her early forties, Ivana started looking kind of tired and middle-aged. Gorgeous women were chasing me and I didn’t run, and in the mid-eighties I hooked up with an incredible babe named Marla Maples who told me and plenty of others that I was the greatest lover she’d ever had. And given how horny she was, I knew she’d had plenty of experience. We finally married in 1993, a couple of months after our daughter was born. Now New Yorkers, whether they admitted it or not, knew damn well Trump produced children as fast as he did skyscrapers.

Marla exercised a lot and kept herself in great shape, and at seventeen years younger she wasn’t too old for me, but we argued all the time and that stressed me out, and believe me I can handle more stress than anyone, but for what? I had my pick of supermodels and basically kicked her out. And at a 1998 party I ignored my stunning date because I was blown away by a young lady introduced to me as Melania. Don’t listen to those who say she only wanted my money and fame. For years she often lit up when she described our early days. “We had wonderful chemistry. We had great fun…”

We had a couple of breakups but missed each other badly and got married in 2005 and had Barron the following year. I knew Melania loved and admired me for starring in and producing The Apprentice for eleven years and I’d still be number one there but in 2015 decided to take Melania’s hand down the escalator in beautiful Trump Tower and announced my candidacy for president of the United States. When I became commander in chief, and Melania appeared at the inauguration in that stunning light blue dress, people around the world sighed, “Trump’s still got it, being married to great beauty twenty-four-years younger.”

I’m a winner, the biggest in world history, and Melania’s right up there for a woman, so I encouraged her to let me pave the way for a movie deal. Millions would want to see a documentary offering an intimate look at Melania during the last twenty days before my second inauguration. You already know I had to wait in exile four years, preparing for my second term, but you’ve never seen so many great shots that prove Melania’s face is perfectly carved marble, and she and the president are incredibly wealthy, and her clothes are more stylish than you can imagine, and there’s gold everywhere, and it’s like she can reach out and caress Central Park whenever she wants. After all, she lives in Trump Tower and flies in Air Force One with Trump emblazoned on the side, and when she arrives somewhere she’s helped into a fortified Beast limousine that rolls amid the flashing lights of a presidential escort leading to extraordinary places including my White House.

From all angles the cameras love Melania’s almond eyes and sculpted nose and sexy mouth and her long soft brown hair and her body, sleek and firm. It’s no surprise that after our first time in bed – no, this isn’t in the film – I repeatedly stepped out of the master suite of my personal plane and exclaimed, “What an incredible piece of ass.” My friends and employees really smiled each time.

You also get to see a somber Melania on the first anniversary of her mother’s death, the same day that President Jimmy Carter is buried. “The mourning of my mother never leaves,” she says.

And the world is reminded of Melania’s social conscience as she talks on Zoom with French first lady Brdgette Macron and says, “Kids look at screens eight hours every day and there’s so much cyber bullying.” Everyone’s moved watching Melania talk to an Israeli hostage, recently released from Gaza, whose husband is still in the grip of terrorists. The lady cries, and Melanie embraces her with long lovely arms.

Melania’s such a reserved and conscientious person and first lady that even her millions of fans haven’t seen how cool and charming she is when telling a questioner that Michael Jackson is her favorite singer and “Billie Jean” her favorite song. And then, along with Michael, she sings a few lines in the back of her limousine. And later, in another place, she dances like a lady men dream about and women admire.

I trusted Melania not only to negotiate her twenty-eight-million-dollar fee from Amazon and Jeff Bezos, a guy I admire and who respects me, but to shrewdly use her authority to make good final cuts. She doesn’t make it obvious, but I’m sure people understand that we can’t be together as much as we’d like because I’m under such intense pressure at the White House that she says, “Mar-a-Lago is my refuge from the outside world.” It’s my refuge, too, but sometimes I’ve got to have important political meetings there, so Melania takes refuge in Trump Tower.

It’s time for my second inauguration, and I proclaim, “Here we go again.” I can tell my second term is going to be even better than my first. It’s going to be legendary, the greatest ever. And I’m so proud of Melania. When I practice my inaugural speech, I have some trouble with “peacemaker and (some inadequate words I can’t remember,) and Melania says, “Unifier.” Your legacy will be as a “peacemaker and unifier.” I don’t commit to the change at that time but during my historical swearing in, that’s what I say, just like Melania wants it, and I guarantee when she smiles at you, you’re the luckiest man in the world.

Notes: As of Sunday night November 1, its third full day after release, Melania has ignored many horrific reviews and grossed seven million dollars at the box office, third best of all films that weekend.

George Thomas Clark on Amazon