Let’s be honest. I’m shrewdest politician in world. I maneuver into many terms as president, deftly gag dissenters, jail Pussy Riot female rockers who belittle Christ, and now I write columns for New York Times. If life weren’t so good in Russia I’d move to Big Apple and comment full-time. I have special insight into America and worry about compulsion to proclaim itself exceptional and different from rest of us. That’s very dangerous.

God created us equal, and He expects everyone to obey international law stating force is legal only in self defense or when Security Council approves. America would be criminal aggressor if it attacked alleged chemical weapons sites in Syria. Furthermore, as ally and benefactor of President Bashar al-Assad, I guarantee Syrian army did not use poison gas. Terroristic opponents crossed red line.

America must cease commonplace invasions of foreign nations. Many enemies are created. For what purpose? Afghanistan is tribal disaster. So is Libya. And Iraq is bloody civil war. Syria’s worse and disaster will deepen if America attacks. I certify this is not necessary. President Assad trusts me and is prepared, as I insist, to place chemical arsenal under international control prior to destruction whereupon I’ll win Nobel Peace Prize warmonger Obama never deserved.