I shall be delighted to host freedom fighter Edward Snowden not only in Russia but in dacha. He’s brave young man to reveal American colossus, through NSA and other insidious organizations, is recording every conversation, email, and indeed every thought of every citizen in hyper-aggressive, homosexual-loving country. Those who call me intelligence-gobbling hypocrite, since I ruled KGB before becoming president for (almost) life in Russia, should understand United States has publicly fondled and then domiciled multitude of most dangerous enemies including Alexander Solzhenitsyn and Andre Sakharov.

American partners in international dominance – and we Russians are still big and scary – should not worry. I am prudent man and will not allow Mr. Snowden to engage in intelligence or political activities that could be harmful or embarrassing to United States. It therefore follows that Mr. Snowden better not get involved in Russian politics, unless, perhaps, he is compelled to support me.

I hear petulant President Obama, through mouthpiece, is hinting he may not come to summit meeting next month. Surely, he is not so irresponsible. He knows I have much to teach him about crises in Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and in global markets. If Obama is frightened I may judo-throw him over hip and pounce, fear not. It’s sufficient he knows I can do it. Edward Snowden also understands what happens to enemies like Pussy Riot rockers who criticize me.