The Americans are eternal enemies striving to surround my cold and tattered but still great Russian Empire. Their latest lies can be read in a thousand places. Here I will simply cite a few of the most outrageous accusations from a recent Associated Press article.

Instead of thanking me for pulling my troops back from otherwise doomed Kyiv, the imperialists and their Ukrainian gangsters claimed I “tortured and strangled” people and left their rotting bodies in “barrels and basements.” My top advisors have already denounced these so-called atrocities as being “stage-managed…video forgery.” Every honest person knows I ordered Russian forces of liberation to avoid striking civilian areas that were destroyed not by us but by Hollywood-inspired special effects.

My goal, and it has never been a secret, is to liberate our ethnic brothers and sisters in the Donbas from fascists who seek to repress them and dominate the resource-rich east of a non-nation that in fact has forever been an essential part of Mother Russia. Nevertheless, we weren’t trying to take all of Ukraine or would have attacked with a much larger force reminiscent of the great Red Army juggernaut that crushed Nazi Germany.

Today we simply want the Donbas to be free, and some of our soldiers and equipment are being moved from the Kyiv sector to the east where we have battered many enemies and will soon envelop them, and they should pray we do since I may then offer a ceasefire and, after negotiations, very generous peace terms: let the Donbas be independent but armed, let reduced Ukraine be independent and lightly armed, forget about Crimea, it’s ours, and forget about ever joining NATO. You never will, and if I think you’re trying to I’ll storm back into Ukraine with far more soldiers and weapons and pull all our ancestral land back to the bosom of its Russian mother.

This is a series of stories about the Russo-Ukrainian War