Secretary of War
by Pete Hegseth

“Yes sir,” she says, performing a job she’s genetically qualified for.

In less than a minute President Trump is on the phone, and I say, “Sir, it’s time we told all our top military officers, in front of the world, that we’re establishing a new warrior ethos. I’ve been writing some eloquent phrases to make sure everyone understands.”

“Pete, it’s my job to announce the new military standards of this administration. But I’ll let you introduce me.”

“Oh, sure, I knew you’d be giving the keynote address. Just let me be the one to order the brass to fly in from around the world.”

“Where do you want to do this?”

“The Marine Corp Base in Quantico, Virginia where our nation has developed so many critical means of defeating the enemy.”

“Okay, Pete. Take care of it.”

As Secretary of War Hegseth, my new nom de guerre, I exercise even more vigorously than usual, running further and faster and lifting heavier weights and doing more calisthenics, and by the final day in September 2025 I’m as ripped as a pro football player and no doubt even shiftier than when I was a high school basketball star.

The officers must be excited after traveling thousands of miles and are very attentive as I declare, “We’re fixing decades of decay and removing debris from our system. We’re the greatest fighting machine in history and must stop promoting people based on race or gender or anything but merit. We allowed ourselves to become the Woke Department and that brought in a lot of garbage that the president and I are removing.

“Our sworn duty is to fight for God and country, and we’re going to uproot all distractions. That means no more dudes in dresses. We’re also going to be fit. I’m ashamed when I see generals and admirals who are fat and sloppy. Why shouldn’t they be as well-conditioned as the average soldier? From now on they’re going to conform to the height and weight regulations of the fighting men of the armed forces. I’m not saying women can’t fight but they won’t be deployed in combat zones unless they can meet the highest standards of male troops.”

Examining my audience as I tighten my shoulders and stomach, I stop speaking a few seconds before warning the officers, “If the secretary of war can maintain physical training, so should soldiers and officers. And we’re all going to be well groomed. No more beardos in our elite armed forces.”

The officers rarely clap or laugh, and I worry they may wonder why it’s okay for President Trump to be fat.”

I needn’t have worried. When President Trump steps to the microphone, he fills the auditorium with his charm and charisma and reminds the officers, as he does all audiences, “My first term produced the greatest economy in history, the greatest military, the most secure borders, and all of those are even better now. My approach was simple but brilliant: I reestablished the principle of merit.

“We’re going to be very tough in that regard, not only in the military but in our worst cities, those run by Democrats. They shouldn’t complain when I send in troops and the national guard. We’re going to use our most dangerous cities as training grounds for our military. My predecessors didn’t understand that we can rebuild our great cities by ordering the military to respond to crime and civil unrest.

“We have the greatest military in history and the greatest weapons ever and the bravest soldiers the world has ever known. I’m positive they can convince bad people to behave.”

George Thomas Clark page on Amazon