Stalin Makes Comeback
June 15, 2015
I hope you hypocritical Americans have read the recent article in the Los Angeles Times. If I had said these things, you wouldn’t have believed them. Now you have to accept that in the only place that counts, the vast Soviet Union, I am again a hero to leaders and peasants alike, and that those who denounced me did so out of spite or ignorance and are either buried, the best place for one’s enemies, or enlightened, a good state for followers as long as they maintain it.
President Vladimir Putin, who would like to lead the nation as long as possible, perhaps approaching the nearly three decades I commanded, has switched from denouncing my 1939 Friendship Pact with Hitler, and now astutely praises it as a means of delaying the attack by the Nazis hordes, for two critical years, as it turned out. True, I did devour Latvia and Estonia and some of Eastern Europe and part of Poland, as Germany marched into the rest of Poland, but it was my right, and my duty, to establish a large buffer zone between ourselves and the Nazis, and to show people under our occupation they had to understand but one authoritative voice, that of Joseph Stalin. Without my leadership the Nazis would have conquered and killed every one of us. Almost half of Russians today therefore approve of my iron fist.
Putin and many other prominent Russians appreciate that I built the “foundation” of a superpower that made people tremble at home and abroad. Inevitably, I had enemies who wished to destroy me and ruin the nation, and proudly I tell you what I hope you know: I killed and imprisoned millions and collectivized farms, starving millions more, and would do the same today. Had I done less, the Soviet Union would have disintegrated, as it did under weaklings Mikhail Gorbachev and Boris Yeltsin, whom I would’ve executed before they had a chance to betray us. I commend Vladimir Putin for liberating the Crimea but must rebuke him for not already having brought the Ukraine back into our nation. They must all be reclaimed, Belarus, Georgia (my birthplace), Kazakhstan, the Baltic States, and many more weak and wandering children who should still thank me for our sacrifices, and ultimate victory, during the war against the Nazis.
Now that I have returned, I’m sure former President Putin will defer to my superior experience. He can serve as my second in command. No, for an ambitious and potentially ruthless fellow like that, I better make him ambassador to Paraguay. I think he’ll behave there. If he doesn’t, he’ll get what Leon Trotsky got in Mexico: an axe between the ears.