Trump Island
 by Donald Trump

 Even as busy as I’ve been, I’m surprised I didn’t think about this great project earlier. I’m always looking for challenges. I’ve not only been a three-time president of the United States and brilliant real estate developer and top-ranked reality television star and a renowned peacemaker and fearless conqueror, I’ve rescued a scenic golf course in Palos Verdes where a massive landslide ripped out the eighteenth hole and sixteen acres of land. You know how crazy California is. I didn’t let that bother me, though. It’s a beautiful slice of nature, and in 2002, three years after the devastation bankrupted timid owners and closed the course, I shrewdly stepped in and bought the place for a bargain twenty-seven million dollars.

“Sir,” said some of my employees and Southern California officials, “this place is destroyed. You can’t do anything.”

“You couldn’t, but I can. I’m going to rebuild what fell into the ocean and repair and redesign some of the other holes and create one of the greatest golf courses and most gorgeous places on earth.”

I invested two hundred fifty million dollars and built a huge retaining wall and a few years later I had a jewel of a golf course and if you want to play Trump National Golf Course Los Angeles today it’ll cost you about a thousand bucks. I’m just being honest, as I always am, when I guarantee you that only Donald J. Trump could have conceived and completed this project.

Now I’m facing even more overwhelming obstacles. I’m not referring to crushing the Iranians. I’ve already done that. Their navy and air force no longer exist and neither do most of their missiles and missile launchers. Okay, they manage to fire an occasional shot at our bases in the Gulf States and at Israel but we’re bombing hell out of their cities and killing thousands of people. I’m not happy about civilians dying but what else can we do? We can’t let Iran have a nuclear weapon. Only Israel can have those in the Middle East.

All those problems will work themselves out very soon when. As I warned Saturday night on Truth Social, if the Iranians don’t open the Strait of Hormuz in two days, I’ll blow hell out of their power plants and force them to surrender unconditionally. At that point I’ll personally walk around the most unique piece of property in Iran, Kharg Island, a speck of land five miles by three and only sixteen miles from the Iranian coast. I already destroyed most of the military facilities on Kharg Island, despite what fake news claims, but I humanely avoided destroying oil processing facilities that ship ninety percent of Iran’s oil exports.

I promise I’ll try not to kill too many of the eight thousand residents in the town of Kharg. I’m a peacemaker who cares about people. Besides, I plan to name that community Trump City and employ most of its citizens as waiters and cooks and gardeners and cocktail waitresses and, of course, as greenskeepers and other personnel at Trump Island Golf Course.

You’ve probably seen aerial photos of a sandy and dreary place and wonder what I’m talking about. As in Palos Verdes, my super brain has already figured out things no one else even dreamed of. The island is a hell of a lot better than it currently looks from above. It’s not some hot and dry hellhole. It gets about eleven inches of rain a year, and in the summer average highs are in the nineties and lows in the eighties. I’ll turn that brown island green and skillfully bury as much of the oil refining and exporting equipment as possible and what’s visible will look exotic after I’ve given great ideas to the best golf course architects.

My brilliant son-in-law, Jared Kushner, the best diplomat this century, called me a couple of hours ago and asked, “How much are you going to charge for the greens fees?”

“Given the Trump name and historical importance of the island and all the rich guys in the region, I’d say four or five grand a round is about right, but I may be generous and offer a mid-week rate of three grand.”

“I can hardly wait,” said Jared. “We’ll play a few days on Trump Island and then jet up to Gaza and tee it up on our courses there.”

George Thomas Clark on Amazon