My Gods are no longer Lenin and Stalin and beautiful communist colossus crumbling during greatest geopolitical disaster of Twentieth Century. Higher power now is Russian Orthodox Church which supports me and ongoing recovery of nation I have rebuilt and led for many years and, God willing, will lead many more. It has thus been sacred duty to protect church and many officials and worshippers who were traumatized and degraded when seditious female punk rockers Pussy Riot stormed into Christ the Savior cathedral in Moscow earlier this year and for forty interminable seconds, before security removed them, sang “Mother of God, Cast Putin Out.”

Three of five criminals have been in jail several months, so they couldn’t further challenge authority and undermine national stability, and, blessedly, were yesterday convicted of “felony hooliganism” and sentenced to two years in prison. Miniscule minority protesting this decision should remember if not for presidential leniency requests dangerous women would’ve received more severe punishment.

I am not dictator. I’m democratically elected and no other politician has more than fraction of support. Majority of Russians, whose employment rate is higher than America’s, are applauding measures for security and prosperity. They understand allies and I had to establish heavy fines for those who cause damage during political rallies. You can protest but don’t throw Molotov cocktails or sing about me in church. If I think you’re involved in dangerous activities, then I may have to raid. I’m not going to let opposition fester. I’ve got most of media under control but am getting antsy about internet, which has caused problems in many places including Syria, which is dear friend.

To see a video of female band Pussy Riot protesting against President Vladimir Putin in a Russian Orthodox Church, please click here