Preparation

by Donald Trump

 I haven’t been anywhere. I’m getting ready for the greatest political comeback in history. Only fake media and low-energy runts claim millions of supporters are deserting me after their brave January sixth attempt to prevent Democrats from stealing our landslide victory. In fact, the wealthiest and most powerful among them are begging for invitations to Mar-a-Lago where I charm them as they kiss my ring.

Tee Time

by A Reporter

The studio is dim and empty except for two merciless cameras aimed at a pair of aged candidates targeted by two serious interrogators.

“President Biden,” says the female journalist, “many people, including your wife and closest advisors, are concerned that you’re weak and descending into senility.”

He looks a foot over the wrong camera and says, “That’s ridiculous, I’ve masterminded the slaughter of a generation of young Ukrainian men and supplied the money and weapons needed by our Israeli comrades to annihilate tens of thousands of Palestinian women and children in Gaza. Let’s see you pull that off…”

“Are you comfortable with those policies?” she asks.

Mouth ajar, Joe Biden gazes into space before saying, “Damn right.”

“You still have more than a minute, President Biden,” she says.

“Ah, let’s see, I’m sharp as hell and still a damn good athlete. I had a six handicap when I was vice president. I damn sure could outdrive Donald Trump.”

“Your response, President Trump,” says the male journalist.

Trump cuts a sour smile and says, “What a joke. Have you seen his swing? He’s a hacker and couldn’t break a hundred on any course. I’d outdrive him by two hundred yards. You’re an old man, Joe.”

“Okay, fatso, let’s meet at the driving range early in the morning. You carry your golf bag, and I’ll carry mine. For me, that’s no problem. I work out and am fit as hell. You’re a slob.”

“You lie so much, Joe. I’m the lightest I’ve been in years and still the most athletic president in the history of this nation that was great when I was president but that you’ve destroyed. I built the greatest economy in history and sealed our southern border and there were no wars when I was in charge. Joe’s brought us unprecedented inflation and endless waves of criminal aliens and a world stumbling toward really big wars.”

Pointing a shaky hand at Trump, Biden says, “This guy sleeps with porn stars and has the morals of an alley cat.”

“I didn’t sleep with a porn star. Besides, you better worry about the criminal behavior of your family.”

“Don’t interrupt.”

“My microphone was open during a free exchange,” says Trump.

“Listen, our economy’s in great shape. Don’t worry, inflation will come down. And my opponent’s lying about the border. It was chaotic when he was president, too. And internationally, I’ve been a foreign policy expert since this guy started ripping off workers and filing bankruptcies years ago. I’m helping Ukrainians defend their freedom after the ruthless Russian invasion by his hero Vladimir Putin. And I’m helping our strongest ally in the Middle East, Benjamin Netanyahu, protect himself against those who escaped from the Gaza ghetto, which the Israelis were trying to improve, and attacked and slaughtered innocent Israeli citizens on October seventh last year.”

“I got along great with Putin, far better than you, Joe. But he knew not to mess with me. He’d never have invaded Ukraine if I’d been president, which I’d still be if you hadn’t rigged the last election. And in Gaza, no way Hamas would’ve attacked Israel if I’d been commander in chief. Everyone knew not to mess with Donald Trump. I’m as tough as Joe is weak.”

“President Biden, what is your response?”

Mouth easing open, Joe Biden stares at fingers in front of his face.

“Mr. President,” the female says. “Can you hear me?”

He looks at her and says, “Sure. Go ahead. Ask me anything.”

Next Opponent

by Donald Trump

big

macs

sodas

and

sun

make

me

much

prettier

than

kamala

Caddy

by A Reporter

Into his phone Donald Trump shouts, “Get your ass down here.”

“Where is that, sir?” asks J.D. Vance.

“Your stock’s sinking fast.”

“Mar-a-Lago?”

“I want you here by eight o’clock.”

“Tomorrow morning.?

“Tonight.”

“I’m in Ohio and not sure I can make it that fast.”

“If you’re a winner, you’ll get here. If you’re a loser, I’ll drop you from my list of candidates.”

“I’ll be there, sir.”

“Call me Mr. President.”

“President Trump, we all know you’ll soon be back in command.”

That evening Trump calls a member of his secret service detail. “Is Vance here yet?”

“He’s sprinting toward your office now.”

Trump is staring at a wall clock as Vance, breathing heavily, hustles into the president’s office.

“Your twenty seconds late.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. President.”

Trump rises from his desk and walks to Vance and shakes his hand. “Sit down. I’ve got some questions for you.”

Laughing mirthlessly, Vance says, “I sure hope this isn’t going to be an interrogation.”

Trump stands over Vance and says, “I wish you’d shave that damn beard.”

“I will, if that’s a prerequisite.”

Walking back to his desk, Trump sits before picking up a list of notes on a lamp table next to Vance. “What the hell’s this about me being an ‘idiot.’ You think a man becomes a billionaire and reality television star and president of the United States by being dumb?”

“Of course not, sir. I said that in a moment of arrogance when reporters were interviewing me about Hillbilly Elegy.”

“Are you a hillbilly, J.D?”

“Not at all. I graduated from Harvard Law School.”

“That may be worse.”

“I’m a bright and ambitious guy, Mr. President. Have you read my book?”

“Don’t be a smartass. I just needed to know it was a bestseller.”

Trump glances at his script and asks, “What the hell’s this about me being ‘reprehensible’?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. President. That’s a classic case of projection. I hadn’t accepted that I was reprehensible, so I tried to pretend you were.”

“Why the hell would I pick a running mate who’s reprehensible?”

“I’m no longer that way. Now I realize you’re the only man who can save the nation.”

Staring at Vance, Trump slaps the paper. “You also called me ‘cultural heroin.’”

“I must’ve been loaded,” says Vance, chuckling. “That was long ago.”

“You use heroin?” Trump asks, leaning forward.

“No sir. I occasionally drink some beers but not as many as Pete Hegseth, who I’m sure will be our next Secretary of Defense.”

“J.D., I’ve never had a drink in my life, not one. Alcoholism killed my older brother. I won’t tolerate drunkenness.”

“Your discipline and personal restraint are remarkable, President Trump. I just have a few beers with the boys once in a while, but not enough to get drunk.

Donald Trump exhales and shakes his list. “Now this one could cost you the nomination, J. D. You compared me to Adolf Hitler.”

“That’s the only time I ever said so. And again I was projecting my imperfections onto your glorious person.”

“So you think you’re like Hitler?”

“In general, no, of course not. But I do think we need to control the borders and make sure our European heritage isn’t destroyed by those who aren’t like us.”

Beauty and the Beast

by A Reporter   

 “I’m not dealing with this nonsense anymore,” says Donald Trump, sidestepping his silenced microphone and moving into auditory range of the two network moderators.

“Mr. President,” says the female journalist, “we’re preventing you from interrupting Vice President Harris.”

“Both of you liberals know the American people love my voice more than any sound in political history.”

“You’re not going to do this unilaterally,” says Harris, abandoning her microphone and walking to stand next to Trump.

“I didn’t realize you were so short, Kamala.”

“Well, I damn sure knew you were this fat but didn’t realize you were so weatherbeaten. Makes me wonder how you disrespect the appearance of a woman a generation younger and a whole lot cuter.”

Trump examines her face, torso, and legs, and says, “I’m still not sure you’re black, Kamala, but that doesn’t matter. You couldn’t get a job as a cocktail waitress at any of my wonderful golf courses and casinos.”

The male moderator stands and says, “Vice President Harris, President Trump, stop this at once. We have important issues to discuss, and sixty million Americans want a serious debate.”

“That’s the last thing Kamala wants. Her Haitian guests in Ohio are eating their neighbors’ dogs and cats, and the white folks up there better really watch their children.”

The vice president rolls her eyes and says, “This is the most racist president in our nation’s history.”

The female moderator asks, “What about presidents during the time of slavery?”

“Trump’s worse. He and his fascist nominees on the Supreme Court were targeting black folks and other minorities when they destroyed Roe v. Wade and left poor pregnant women in danger of being butchered.”

“Don’t tell me about butchers, Kamala, or however you pronounce your name. You and your Marxist gang kill fetuses in their seventh, eighth, even their ninth month. You even kill babies right after they’re born.”

“No doctor in this nation would kill a newborn baby,” Harris says, “and if he did, I’d personally prosecute him. As all of you know, I enjoy prosecuting criminals and sending them to jail.”

Trump, who frowned during this statement, declares, “We won’t have a country if this communist keeps letting children change their sexes like most of us change shoes. She’s also allowed tens of millions of poor migrants to storm into our country through the southern border. Let’s be honest, folks. Things are getting pretty dark.”

“That’s how it should be,” says Harris. “My African ancestors were brought here in chains and forced to build this nation while being denied any rewards.”

Looking disgusted, Trump says, “Quit bellyaching, Kamala. My ancestors rescued yours from a miserable life in the jungle. Most of them would’ve died young from disease, starvation, or being eaten by wild African beasts.”

“You’re the most dangerous man in the world,” Harris says.

“No, Kamala, you and Biden are the most dangerous. You could’ve stopped a war between Russia and Ukraine, but you did nothing except encourage and arm Ukraine to fight, and they’ve lost millions of people. Their blood is the responsibility of this woman. I know Vladimir Putin very well, and he wouldn’t have attacked Ukraine when I was president. He feared me and he respected me. No one respects America anymore.”

Shaking her head, Harris says, “In fact, most nations around the world detested President Trump and his arrogance. I’ve talked to his foreign policy and military advisors, and they say he’s incompetent, unstable, and a threat to world peace. We all know he tried to overthrow our sacred democratic government on January sixth, 2021.”

“My backers knew the election had been stolen and they came to Washington, D.C. to try to restore democracy. I asked them to march in peace. I’m a very peaceful guy. Unlike the barbaric Biden-Harris regime, I presided over a peaceful world. And at home I used my genius as a businessman to build the greatest economy in the history of the world. Look at the disaster we have now. Inflation is strangling the working people of America. Gas and food and other essentials are unaffordable. We need a leader who isn’t against fracking and drilling for oil.”

“I’m not against fracking,” Harris says. “I like it.”

“You were against it until you realized it was politically impossible to continue with that position. I’ve made billions of dollars in my career and understand we need to drill baby drill.”

“Donald Trump has been bankrupt six times and indicted more times than we can count. He deserves no credit for coincidentally being in office during a cyclical period of affluence generated by our national economic machine.

“Why aren’t things better now, Kamala? Because you and doddering Old Joe have screwed things up and don’t know how to fix the problems. After I win this election, I’ll Make America Great Again. I’ll restore peace in the inner cities. And you won’t have to worry about Kamala Harris taking your guns and leaving you defenseless against the hordes of illegal aliens she’s letting into the country.”

Harris turns to Trump, aims a finger at his nose, and says, “I’m not going to take anyone’s gun, and no one’s going to take mine. That’s right. I’m a gunowner.”

“How long have you had one? Probably only since you took Sleepy Joe’s place.”

“Nobody’s business how long I’ve had my gun. Just remember, if you disrespect my appearance again, I’m gonna pistol whip your ass and frack Mar-a-Lago.”

Mysterious Lady

by Melania Trump

I don’t want to be first lady again. I’m not interested in power. I like privacy and money and time with my family. I’ve already said I’m not going to live in the White House. I don’t like Washington, D.C. My son needs me in New York where he’s going to college. When I’m not there I’ll often be at Mar-a-Lago.

“Melania, you’ve got to come to the Inauguration,” Donald says.

“You don’t need me there.”

“I’ll look like a fool if you’re not by my side. Please.”

“All right, Donald.”

It’s so cold in winter. Thank goodness we’re inside. All right, I’m here, but not really. People can barely see my face. My stylish black cowboy hat is pulled down to my eyebrows and my expression is grim and tough, like Clint Eastwood’s in those early Italian films like A Fistful of Dollars.

Donald leans over and says, “You’ve got to smile. This is the greatest day of our lives.”

I’m still a model and know how to smile when I have to, and those inaugural photos come out all right but in a lot more I look like a cowgirl you better not mess with.

My World

by Donald Trump

Of course you’re excited. I’m back and understand many things we need and from now on it will be the Gulf of America, a beautiful name much better than the old one. I also need to change the global map. I’ll start by making Canada the fifty-first state and Greenland the fifty-second. Imagine the economic and geographical advantages we’d have.

I’m not going to make Gaza the fifty-third state, but I could. We’ll clear out terrorists and others now ruining the place and then build wonderful seaside condos and casinos and make a paradise my son-in-law Jared Kusher will skillfully operate as chief executive officer.

Above all I want to create a world that will enable me to become the greatest ever man of peace. I’m first going to make sure President Volodymyr Zelensky and other Ukrainian fascists don’t lure the United States and NATO into a nuclear war. I also guarantee that Iran will never develop a nuclear weapon that threatens Israel, our closest ally. And don’t worry about China. I’ll again invite President Xi Xinping to Mar-a-Lago and offer to make him rich if he cooperates or I’ll turn the economic screws if he threatens to dominate our vital sea lanes in the South China Sea. I doubt he’ll try to invade Taiwan. Our long-range missiles would destroy his invasion fleet.

I’m a real strategic thinker all over the world and at home, too. We’ve got to get rid of traitorous generals and agents and millions of social security and Medicare freeloaders all the while detaining and then evicting illegal aliens. I won’t let them stop me from building the greatest society.

Sieg Heil

by Elon Musk

do I look like the fuehrer

ja, I do but even better

i’m bigger and stronger

and even handsomer look

at my powerful nazi salute

i know you really like that

so here’s another thrust

down your throat

Sermon in Munich

by J.D. Vance

I can’t decide whom I most resemble, President Abraham Lincoln or General Ulysses S. Grant. I’m as dignified and eloquent as the former and fierce as the latter. I probably couldn’t drink as much booze as Grant but I do down plenty of brews.

I guarantee I’m sober at the Munich Security Conference today and feel rougher than Grant and more righteous than Lincoln. This is my chance to shape European history, and I tell the diplomats and generals before me that while they do certainly need to spend more to defend themselves, I’m not as worried about Russia or China or any other external actor. I’m much more concerned about your growing internal threat because of your retreat from traditional European values. Americans are appalled when we see a Romanian court annul an election and hear that Germans may do the same if they don’t get the desired result. That is dangerous. All of us must not merely espouse democracy, we must be eternal champions of freedom.

Let us not forget that those who censored dissidents and canceled elections lost the Cold War. You too could forfeit your freedom if you fail to respect the extraordinary blessings of liberty and the creative energy it generates. Sadly, when I study Europe today, I can’t fathom what’s happened to some Cold War winners who threaten to stifle expression by shutting down what they deem “hateful content” in social media during times of civil unrest.

I see Sweden convict a Christian activist for burning a Koran and hear a judge say the nation’s freedom of speech laws don’t offer “a free pass to do or say anything without risking offending the group that holds that belief.” Furthermore, “our dear friends in the United Kingdom are placing religious freedom in the crosshairs of zealots.” I’m certain you know that the British government charged a veteran soldier with the “heinous crime of standing fifty meters from an abortion clinic” and quietly praying for three minutes. It seems liberal Britain now “criminalizes silent prayer” because it could “influence” a person’s decision within two hundred meters of an abortion facility.  I’m also aggrieved the fast-growing Alternative for Germany party faces a “firewall” from liberals who fear dynamic nationalists fighting to restrict immigration and the spread of radical Islam.

Yes, indeed, my fellow believers in democracy, these outrages are far more dangerous than anything China and Russia could unleash.

Conflagration

by Xi Xinping

if

u.s. wants

tariff war

or trade war

or any other

china’s ready

till

the

end

Warlord

by Donald Trump

weak

biden

stopped

dropping

one ton bombs

but

i’m

pounding

gazan

heads

Thrifty

by Donald Trump

my

executive

pen

saved

u.s.

billions

cutting

humanitarian aid

for

starving

sudanese

who’ll

probably

always be

hungry

Scientist

by Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

i

don’t

know

squat

about

vaccines

but

neither

do

you

Secrets

by Pete Hegseth

relax

i’m not back on the bottle so

it’s not my fault a magazine

editor somehow got included

in an elite signal chat about

attacking houthis in yemen

but nothing serious was revealed

and president trump said the strike

went incredibly well that night

and the houthis are dying for

peace

Warlord Trump is a collection of political satire currently being written.