\tA deferential aide approaches Vladimir Putin and, after being summoned closer, bends to whisper in his ear.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cTell him I\u2019m quite busy,\u201d he says, but a few seconds later he stands. \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll take the call in private. Excuse me, gentlemen.\u201d <\/p>\n
\tPutin walks to a nearby room, closes the double doors, and picks up the phone, nodding at his translator to get on the other line. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cI can\u2019t talk long, Donald. But I do appreciate your calling me a genius.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cThanks so much for giving me a few minutes,\u201d says Trump. \u201cI\u2019m really proud of the way you\u2019re handling the Ukrainians.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cI have a historic duty to denazify that traitorous part of our nation.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWe should be doing the same thing at our southern border.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tPutin clears his throat. \u201cI am quite disappointed, Donald, that you said I\u2019d never have liberated Ukraine if you\u2019d been president. For your edification, I would have.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cSure, Vladimir, I believe that. I was just scoring some political points.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tThe aide knocks and opens the door, waiting until Putin impatiently asks, \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cPresident Biden is on the hotline.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tPutin smirks and says, \u201cPut him on. And connect Donald, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cPresident Putin, this is President Joe Biden of the United States.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cI\u2019m honored to receive your call.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWe\u2019re rapidly strengthening our sanctions,\u201d says Biden, \u201cand you and the Russian people are going to suffer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cJoe, this is President Trump. If you were so gung ho about sanctions, why didn\u2019t you unleash them weeks ago? You\u2019ve been too busy reducing our energy production.\u201d <\/p>\n
\t\u201cWhat the hell\u2019s he doing on the line?\u201d Biden asks.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cIt\u2019s entirely coincidental,\u201d says Putin.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cPresident Putin, the world is uniting against you. I urge you to withdraw from Ukraine at once.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tShaking his head at the translator, Putin says, \u201cYou know that\u2019s not possible and is at any rate entirely contrary to my destiny.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cAnd what\u2019s that, killing people who pose no danger?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cPresident Biden, I believe you voted to slaughter helpless Iraqi citizens in 2003.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cHe sure did, Vladimir, and I didn\u2019t,\u201d says Trump. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cMaybe I was wrong about Iraq, but I\u2019m right to make sure NATO\u2019s strong and united in opposition to President Putin\u2019s criminal invasion.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cDon\u2019t worry, Vladimir, Joe\u2019s the weakest and most senile leader we\u2019ve ever had. His approval rating\u2019s down around forty percent. He can\u2019t hurt you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cMy numbers are down in Trump territory, but they\u2019ll soon bounce back.\u201d <\/p>\n
\tPutin huffs. \u201cJust a week ago you were pounding your chest that the United States and NATO would never promise to exclude Ukraine from joining NATO. Would the United States tolerate northern Mexico and southern Canada forming military alliances with Russia?\u201d<\/p>\n
\tPutin paused. Biden didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWe\u2019d never put up with that Vladimir, and you shouldn\u2019t tolerate enemies around Russia,\u201d says Trump. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cWhose side are you on, Donald?\u201d Biden shouts. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cI\u2019m against you for being weak and incompetent and stealing an election everyone knows I won by a landslide.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tPointing at his translator, Putin says, \u201cGentlemen, we can discuss U.S. politics another time. For now, I hope both of you will support my liberation of oppressed people.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cYou know I\u2019ve got your back,\u201d says Trump.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cYou both disgust me,\u201d Biden says. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cI must return to duty. I trust we shall soon speak again.\u201d<\/p>\n