\u201cLadies and gentlemen, welcome to my coronation,\u201d said Jose Canseco.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought this was a press conference,\u201d said a reporter.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is rather more than that, you insufferable simpleton.\u00a0 How much do you make a year?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout fifty grand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI made that every three days.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot anymore.\u00a0 That\u2019s why you\u2019re doing this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMoney will henceforth not be a consideration for today I am announcing to you, and to the cosmos, that I am revolutionizing life as we know it.\u00a0 No longer will any of you slugs have to exist without vigor and beauty and mounds of muscle.\u00a0 \u00a0Propelled by my sublime and intricately mixed steroid cocktails, all of you shall live to be at least 130 years old, and you shall do so in far greater health than you tolerate today.\u00a0 My rigorous research in chemical enhancement, during which I valiantly used myself as a superhuman guinea pig, has unlocked the most profound secrets since Einstein and relativity.\u00a0 In fact, I must say that my discoveries transcend those of Einstein, and I here emphasize that Einstein needed the Canseco Cocktail far more than I need relativity.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do I mean, you may naively ask?\u00a0 It is elementary.\u00a0 Einstein, like so many physicists, peaked in his mid-twenties and thereafter lost his creative vigor and became a gray and shrunken symbol of genius that had long ago dissipated.\u00a0 Furthermore, the man has been dead for fifty years.\u00a0 That is tragic.\u00a0 If I could have regularly administered my Canseco Cocktail to the young Einstein, I assure you he would not merely have maintained his scientific supremacy, he would\u2019ve manifestly improved it.\u00a0 And I dare say that Einstein would still be here, and on the nuclear cutting edge.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your steroid cocktails are so wonderful, then why aren\u2019t you still in the major leagues?\u201d a reporter asked.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve obviously lost it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much do you make a year?\u00a0 Never mind.\u00a0 We know it\u2019s a pittance.\u00a0 Let me assure all of you that I stand erect and in every way ready to return to the major leagues and be not merely good but spectacular and legendary.\u00a0 I have in recent years been denied my inalienable right to make a living.\u00a0 The owners, executives, players, and umpires have conspired to end my career. \u00a0They are jealous little men.\u00a0 They would of course be bigger men if they took the right things and lifted until their groins ached.\u00a0 But they have not the fortitude for that.\u00a0 So they have banned Jose Canseco from the game he dominated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDuring your 2001 comeback attempt \u2013 in the minors, Jose \u2013 you were only hitting about .150,\u201d said the most recently offended reporter.\u00a0 \u201cThey didn\u2019t ban you.\u00a0 You quit.\u00a0 You must\u2019ve felt you couldn\u2019t do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew I could do it.\u00a0 I in fact would soon have done it but they forced me to leave before my comeback was complete.\u00a0 I know they claim otherwise, but you now know the Jose truth and nothing but the truth.\u00a0 The parochial game of baseball has simply never been ready for Jose Canseco.\u00a0 I\u2019m a rock star.\u00a0 I\u2019m Hollywood.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got the body.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got the charisma.\u00a0 The people in baseball can\u2019t handle that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJose,\u201d said a female reporter, \u201cdid you hear about Babe Ruth\u2019s recent press conference.\u00a0 He said he wanted to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was watching The Babe on TV as I inserted a needle into my gluteus, and shortly thereafter received his call and request that I take over as his trainer and chemical dietician.\u00a0 I have graciously done so, and in workouts The Babe is already hitting 600 foot homers and will soon be swatting them a quarter-mile.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much are you charging?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cA mere $20,000 a week.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s rather a lot, don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOn the contrary, sweetheart, it\u2019s a bargain that essentially makes me a philanthropist.\u00a0 By spring, propelled by the Canseco Program, The Babe will doubtless sign a contract for $50 million a year.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t appreciate your condescension in calling me sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should be honored that Jose Canseco is alluding to his willingness to have sex with you.\u00a0 As all of you know after reading my literary and scientific blockbuster \u2013 \u201cJuiced\u201d – I have made love to hundreds of women who were uncontrollably in love with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s questionable, Jose,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve many times talked to women who were quite disappointed by the amorous efforts of chemically engorged athletes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust a minute,\u201d said a buffed woman in a body suit.\u00a0 \u201cI met Jose when I was a cocktail waitress in New York, and he took me home and thrilled me nonstop for 20 hours and wouldn\u2019t have quit even then if my husband hadn\u2019t interrupted.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d said a reporter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWith his left hand Jose grabbed my husband by the neck and with his right three times belted him in the snout, knocking him unconscious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds like the assault in the bar that got you thrown into jail,\u201d said the reporter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBy my standards, such behavior is not assaultive but a model of restraint.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you realize if I hadn\u2019t held back \u2013 in the bedroom and in the bar \u2013 my left-hand squeeze would have decapitated either man, and my right would have blown holes in their skulls?\u00a0 This is therefore an appropriate moment to note that if those men had been taking the Canseco Cocktail, they would have been awesome enough to hold his own, and I wouldn\u2019t have wound up under house arrest and later in jail after being persecuted on probation for again embracing my magical elixir.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cLadies and gentlemen, welcome to my coronation,\u201d said Jose Canseco. \u201cI thought this was a press conference,\u201d said a reporter. \u201cIt is rather more than that, you insufferable simpleton.\u00a0 How much do you make a year?\u201d \u201cAbout fifty grand.\u201d \u201cI made that every three days.\u201d \u201cNot anymore.\u00a0 That\u2019s why you\u2019re doing this.\u201d \u201cMoney will henceforth…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[76,133,132],"tags":[],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"yoast_head":"\n