As a boy I couldn\u2019t talk much and didn\u2019t like it when people spoke to me.\u00a0 I ignored them if I could.\u00a0 They should\u2019ve kept away; I hated their hugs and kisses.\u00a0 I wanted to be alone in a desolate world.\u00a0 When my older sister did not understand that, I\u2019d hit her hard.\u00a0 My parents usually didn\u2019t say much.\u00a0 Sometimes they took me to church for counseling but really didn\u2019t want to know if I had autism or any other mental problem.\u00a0 That would\u2019ve lowered their status in the Korean immigrant community in Virginia.\u00a0 Actually, they had no status.\u00a0 They worked all the time as dry cleaners and avoided social contacts.\u00a0 They preferred to brag to relatives about my sister and were relieved that I, though silent and sullen, at least got good grades.\u00a0 That\u2019s what counted.\u00a0 Someday I\u2019d make something of myself.<\/p>\n
I could\u2019ve become something beautiful but in middle school and high school the students bullied and made fun of me.\u00a0 \u201cWhy can\u2019t you talk, Seung?\u201d they\u2019d say. \u00a0I didn\u2019t want to and really wasn\u2019t able to, not in a normal way when people were looking.\u00a0 An English teacher nevertheless threatened to flunk me when I refused to read a passage aloud.\u00a0 I should\u2019ve died instead of speaking words in a voice not my own that students laughed at and shouted, \u201cGo back to China.\u201d<\/p>\n
They couldn\u2019t understand.\u00a0 My head didn\u2019t feel right.\u00a0 Neither did my eyes.\u00a0 I had to hide them with sunglasses at Virginia Tech.\u00a0 I also used a cap to obscure my head, which I felt looked strange and held down as I walked.\u00a0 I had to have these shields.\u00a0 Too many people were staring.\u00a0 Some pretended to say hello and try to talk, but they were killing me.<\/p>\n
I still wanted to be part of them.\u00a0 In September 2005 I started using my cell-phone camera to snap photos of girls\u2019 legs under the desks in an English class.\u00a0 This was a compliment but they complained and looked mean at me and refused to come to class.\u00a0 No one liked my powerful writing, either, and the teacher reported me and got me yanked from the class.<\/p>\n
I needed someone.\u00a0 In November 2005 I messaged a girl I liked then went to her room and said, \u201cI\u2019m Question Mark,\u201d and stared into \u201cher eyes to see how cool she was.\u201d\u00a0 I wanted a cool girlfriend like a supermodel.\u00a0 Instead, I saw a \u201cpromiscuous\u201d and arrogant woman who examined me like I was an insect then notified the police.\u00a0 A couple of weeks later another girl did the same, and demanded the police make sure I had \u201cno further contact with her.\u201d\u00a0 They\u2019d rejected me like everyone I\u2019d ever known, and I wanted to die.\u00a0 I was going to.\u00a0 I would have.\u00a0 But someone told authorities I might be suicidal and the police took me to the station then to an off-campus mental health facility where a counselor \u201crecommended involuntary commitment\u201d and convinced a judge to declare I represented an \u201cimminent danger\u201d to myself and others, and he ordered me to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation.<\/p>\n
There was nothing wrong with me.\u00a0 A doctor recorded that my \u201cinsight and judgment (were) sound.\u201d\u00a0 It didn\u2019t matter he also felt my \u201caffect (was) flat and mood (was) depressed\u201d or that I denied \u201csuicidal ideations\u201d and refused to \u201cacknowledge symptoms of a thought disorder.\u201d\u00a0 The doctor wrote I was mentally ill but not an \u201cimminent danger\u201d to anyone.\u00a0 He ordered outpatient treatment, and I carried medications in my backpack but didn\u2019t need them.<\/p>\n
I had to get back to school.\u00a0 I loved to write.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t talk to anyone but myself in a literary world full of blood and violence and perversity, just like the real world.\u00a0 More English teachers complained, forming a \u201ctask force\u201d against me.\u00a0 They and all the rich and hedonistic students thought I was weird.\u00a0 Do you understand what it\u2019s like when everyone feels that way about you?\u00a0 I knew those who tried to talk to me were really smirking about how easily they\u2019d \u201cvandalized my heart and raped my soul.\u201d<\/p>\n
By early 2007 I could no longer endure their love of \u201ccrucifying me\u201d and watching me \u201cbe humiliated and impaled upon a cross and left to bleed to death.\u201d\u00a0 Like Jesus Christ, I had to sacrifice myself to defend generations of the weak and defenseless. \u00a0I bought two pistols and lots of ammunition and a hunting vest to carry the ammo and chains to lock doors then exercised in a gym and practiced at the shooting range.\u00a0 Finally I was prepared, and knew those who\u2019d persecuted me would \u201chave blood on (their) hands that will never wash off\u2026I didn\u2019t have to do this\u2026I could have fled, but no.\u00a0 I will no longer run.\u00a0 If not for me, for my children, for my brothers and sisters\u2026I did it for them.\u201d<\/p>\n
I killed a young woman and man in a dormitory early on Monday April 16, 2007 then departed and, peering from under the hood of a coat, recorded a video that is astonishing: look at me.\u00a0 I\u2019m speaking calmly and well and offer a little smile as I say, \u201cThis is it.\u00a0 This is where it all ends.\u00a0 End of the road.\u00a0 What a life it was.\u00a0 Some life.\u201d\u00a0 Then to a network I mailed my writings and videos and photos of myself pointing guns at your head and mine and holding a knife at my throat, which means your throat, and drove to a building of classrooms and chained the main door shut and, after twice peeking through the window of a door to a class, ran in and starting shooting, and shot as many people as many times in as many classrooms as possible and didn\u2019t stop until I heard the police shotgun blast break my chains below and then I shot the person I should\u2019ve shot a long time ago.<\/p>\n
<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As a boy I couldn\u2019t talk much and didn\u2019t like it when people spoke to me.\u00a0 I ignored them if I could.\u00a0 They should\u2019ve kept away; I hated their hugs and kisses.\u00a0 I wanted to be alone in a desolate world.\u00a0 When my older sister did not understand that, I\u2019d hit her hard.\u00a0 My parents…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[32,10],"tags":[],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"yoast_head":"\n