During my recent trip to Spain film director Pedro Almod\u00f3var calls and invites me to join him on a short flight from Madrid to Marbella. Since I\u2019ve never flown first class or met movie celebrities, I accept, figuring I\u2019ll learn much about filmmaking. What a horrific misconception. First, I can\u2019t find Pedro, and the flight attendant says he\u2019s never heard of him, and that I look nervous and need something to avoid getting sick. I decline, and about twenty minutes later, uneasy sitting alone in first class, stand and open the economic partition and see almost everyone in coach is already sleeping, and remains so despite three male flight attendants ostentatiously flirting with each other and drinking tequila. Let me emphasize I\u2019d also disapprove of straight people behaving that way. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cYou guys shouldn\u2019t be drinking,\u201d I say. \u201cAnd why are all those people asleep, anyway?\u201d <\/p>\n
\t\u201cWe gave them muscle relaxants,\u201d says an attendant.<\/p>\n
\tI march right to the cockpit and pound the door, demanding to speak to the pilots. The door is opened by a woman in her forties who tells me and the pilots she\u2019s a virgin. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cI doubt that, ma\u2019am,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cNo, it\u2019s true. And I must do something about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cHow much longer is this flight?\u201d I ask the pilots.<\/p>\n
\tThey glance at each other.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cIt can\u2019t take long to get to Marbella,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWe\u2019re further from Marbella than when we started,\u201d says one.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWhy is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWe\u2019re flying in circles.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWhat the hell for?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cOur landing gear isn\u2019t working. We\u2019ll have to make an emergency landing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cMaybe quite a while. There are no empty runways.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cSpain\u2019s full of airports.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cNot that\u2019ll handle a plane this size. Please excuse us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tIn the aisle I see an actress, that is I assume the pretty albeit slightly-worn red head is an actress. To those few passengers still awake she passes a petition of complaint and asks them to sign. I soon learn she couldn\u2019t act and instead became a dominatrix. Another man, an actor, I think, grimaces after finishing a cell phone conversation, and claims his girlfriend is mentally ill and perched on the ledge or her high apartment patio, ready to jump, and he can\u2019t dissuade her because she drops the phone. \t <\/p>\n
\tThe three amorous attendants are now singing \u201cI\u2019m So Excited\u201d and disco dancing in the cabin. That\u2019s outrageous, particularly during an emergency, and, after consideration, I return to the cockpit and see one pilot being fellated by a man, probably one of the flight attendants. It doesn\u2019t matter. The virgin\u2019s in there too, and heats up before dashing out. I follow and see her enter the cabin and unbuckle the pants of a sleeping young man, lift her dress, sit facing out on his lap, and start wiggling.<\/p>\n
Disconsolate, I again walk to the cockpit and see two reasonably sober pilots who tell me an emergency landing is imminent and to go buckle up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
During my recent trip to Spain film director Pedro Almod\u00f3var calls and invites me to join him on a short flight from Madrid to Marbella. Since I\u2019ve never flown first class or met movie celebrities, I accept, figuring I\u2019ll learn much about filmmaking. What a horrific misconception. First, I can\u2019t find Pedro, and the flight…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[180,128,7,1084,970],"tags":[],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"yoast_head":"\n