I was a happy tourist at the pinnacle of Washington\u2019s Monument when I became woozy and awakened an indeterminate time later in a dungeon. God, kidnapped by terrorists, I thought but reconsidered when several white males, attired in green surgical gowns, marched in and one said, \u201cExperimentation will begin when the chief returns.\u201d <\/p>\n
\t\u201cWho\u2019s he and when\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\tSilently, they took me to a room resembling a large studio apartment, minus windows, where I read whatever I asked for, save news reports, exercised on a treadmill, and watched any video-streamed movie I desired. Two days later they escorted me to an elevator that moved up and delivered me to a large hallway where a slender, graying man said, \u201cWelcome to my home. I\u2019m Barack Obama.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tA mini-skirted waitress presented her tray to Obama and he took one of two shot glasses. \u201cTequila,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cNo thanks. I don\u2019t drink.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cSorry, but this isn\u2019t optional.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tObama chugged his. I hesitated, and the surgeons approached. \u201cLet\u2019s cooperate,\u201d one said.<\/p>\n
\tThe waitress extended a glass I downed, and my stomach erupted into singed sinuses.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cKeep em comin,\u201d said Obama. He pointed to several cameras recording our activities. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, only a shot every ten minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tWe chatted about our families and other genial matters but as shots mounted brains heated and Obama began bragging about economic and diplomatic achievements.<\/p>\n
\tI raised my right hand and said, \u201cGlad I twice voted Republican.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cYou evidently love disaster.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cWhich you\u2019ve exacerbated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cAre you a fascist or an oaf? Likely both.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cI\u2019m a citizen ready to stop a megalomaniac from further ruining business and strangling personal liberty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tObama erupted from his padded chair and reached over the coffee table to slap my cheek with his left hand. I popped off the sofa, over the table, and cuffed his cheeks with either hand, and we dipped and ducked and swatted each other for an invigorating minute before the surgeons intervened, and one said, \u201cSee you tomorrow night.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tMy hangover had just waned when I was summoned to Obama\u2019s private quarters. The right side of his jaw was slightly swollen. I had two fat lips.<\/p>\n
\tHe lit a hand-rolled cigarette emitting a pungent odor and inhaled like a vacuum cleaner.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t do that.\u201d <\/p>\n
\tHe exhaled storm clouds and said, \u201cTonight, you do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tGlancing at his stern medical team, twenty feet across the room, I accepted the joint and inhaled. <\/p>\n
\t\u201cHold it in,\u201d said Obama.<\/p>\n
\tI tried but coughed.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cYou\u2019re a bit of a wuss but you\u2019ll improve.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cHaven\u2019t done this since college.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cI\u2019m more recent but it\u2019s been years now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\tWe puffed and wheezed and put it down to rest and resumed until the joint got short and Obama said, \u201cToo short,\u201d and flicked it into the fireplace. <\/p>\n
\u201cYour eyes are red,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cNaturally, this stuff\u2019s Hawaiian, the bud of my youth. How bout some hoops.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cDon\u2019t feel like playing now,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\t\u201cOn my flat screen \u2013 LeBron against Durant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\t\u201cRoll another one.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was a happy tourist at the pinnacle of Washington\u2019s Monument when I became woozy and awakened an indeterminate time later in a dungeon. God, kidnapped by terrorists, I thought but reconsidered when several white males, attired in green surgical gowns, marched in and one said, \u201cExperimentation will begin when the chief returns.\u201d \u201cWho\u2019s he…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[127,218,45,34,1141,344,213],"tags":[],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"yoast_head":"\n