Abraham Lincoln – I’m a man tired and saddened by four years of bloody civil war that ceased only yesterday but am honored to move forward a century and a half and moderate my Republican Party’s debate to determine the next president of these, our unvanquished, United States. The lovely and gracious Megyn Kelly has privately briefed me about you four gentlemen, and I figure I’ll have a sense about what’s right.
Let me start by asking the man currently atop the polls, Mr. Donald Trump, if it bothers him his hands are so awfully small.
Trump – Abe, I have very powerful hands and, I must tell you, I’m quite a stud, to use modern terms I’m sure a man of your brilliance can figure out.
Lincoln – From where I stand, six-foot-four and blessed with the eyesight of an eagle, I must tell you, sir, that your hands appear rather stubby, like the nubs of my infamous rhetorical adversary, Stephen Douglas, who I heard, more than once, was not particularly well endowed. I trust you wouldn’t prevaricate about such an essential matter before the American people.
Trump – Abe…
Lincoln – It’s the next man’s turn, Mr. Trump. Senator Marco Rubio, you’re just a bean sprout of a fellow and I reckon aware I could whip you in wrestling.
Trump – He’s a very little man. Call him little Marco, the choke artist.
Marco Rubio – I want you to know, President Lincoln, that I admire you very much and readily concede you could beat my ass wrestling or in any other form of combat except a shootout with automatic rifles, which, admittedly, you’ve never had a chance to practice with.
Lincoln – I’ve just presided over an unspeakable national tragedy and seek to avoid armed violence, Senator Rubio. Now, Senator Ted Cruz, you appear to be only a little taller than Senator Rubio. Do you suffer from a Napoleonic complex? I understand your colleagues in the Senate consider you the backside of a mule.
Ted Cruz – They’re jealous of my eloquence, President Lincoln, and know I’m by far the finest debater to run for president since that tall and majestic man from Illinois, the very Abe Lincoln who today graces us. Regarding my height, I frankly feel like a giant whenever I’m in a room with the junior Cuban American in the Senate, Marco the Midget.
Lincoln – Governor John Kasich, I almost forgot about you and that’s probably why you’re last in the polls. May I ask if any of your body parts are unusually short or otherwise inadequate?
John Kasich – President Lincoln, I’m the grown-up on this stage tonight, utterly comfortable with all my organs and appendages, and for that reason am most prepared to debate the issues.
Lincoln – I’m tuckered out by issues, gentlemen. None of you have shouldered the calamities and responsibilities of a man trying to save the nation.
Trump – You’re not looking good at all, Abe.
Lincoln – You’re a pretty strange looking fellow, too, Donald. I don’t recall ever seeing a man with either an orange face or orange hair, and you’ve got both. You’re also rather matronly.
Trump – I’ve got billions of dollars, Abe. Have you seen my wife? I’m afraid I’ve seen photos of yours.
Lincoln – Are you insulting Mrs. Lincoln?
Trump – Abe, she’s a barker. A man in the White House should do better.
Megyn Kelly – Donald, that’s precisely the type of crude misogyny that’s finally galvanizing the nation against your candidacy we all realize is founded on spreading hate and fear.
Lincoln – Most beautifully stated, Mrs. Kelly.
Kelly – I’m single, President Lincoln.
Trump – You’re married, Megyn. Show some morals.
Kelly – We’re separating.
Lincoln – Is your husband inadequate?
Kelly – He’s all right, but I have a more important duty, preparing you to run as president in place of these clowns.
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