Archive for 2018
LeBron Hires Hypnotist
Siefried, the world’s preeminent hypnotist, proudly steps into the Cavaliers locker room after game three and says, “Where is LeBron? I’ve come to accept his congratulations.” “I’m right here, you charlatan,” says the star, stepping close and looking down. “I beg your pardon. Can you not count?” “I count fine. We just lost by eight…
Read MoreSteph Curry Rescues LeBron
After game two Dan Gilbert marches into the locker room of his Cleveland Cavaliers and tugs the back of LeBron James’ jersey. “Hey, we gotta talk.” “I’ll give you five minutes when we get back to Cleveland.” “You’ll talk now or I’ll suspend you the rest of this series.” “Sure, we’re down two-oh and I’m…
Read MoreLeBron Declares: Referees Robbed Us
Following game one of the NBA finals, it’s unfortunate fans can’t celebrate my masterful fifty-one points to lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to an upset over the formidable Golden State Warriors. Instead, we’re talking about obtuse referees who turned a great game into a farce. Late in the fourth quarter, I cleanly stripped the ball from…
Read MoreLeBron Previews NBA Finals
I’m thankful to be drowsy en route to dreamland where I can forget my body’s thirty-three-years old and tired from playing more minutes than anyone in the league and twice carrying us to playoff victories in game seven, and that almost everyone’s saying the Warriors are too good no matter what LeBron does, they’ve got…
Read MoreAngry Bird
You don’t like bird eyes and I hate human eyes so am already enraged when I dive for milk that isn’t milk but plaster almost breaking my beak. Next time my beak’s striking the painter’s nose. Source: Angry Because It’s Plaster, Not Milk by Ed Ruscha at The Broad. Click Here
Read MoreFour Forbidden Scenes
I know you think this is a wonderful upper middle class neighborhood but beware blossoming girl who wears shorts too short and bites apple while squirting black hose, serene dog whose barks close master’s ears, sharp-breasted lady blowing smoke her mother sprays to overcome, and ominous lady legs in high heels hovering over dapper hat…
Read MoreAndy Warhol at The Broad Museum
Elvis empties holster standing cowboy wide in boots gun pointed straight eyes aimed too far right. I doubt he ever shoots anything but TVs. Meet Thomas Francis G FBI most wanted for staring uneven and grim so you don’t really want him. He’d shoot anyone who tries to stop him from robbing Chase Manhattan bank…
Read MoreStephen Stills Fifty Years Later
Stephen Stills became a rock star when he was twenty-two and wrote “For What It’s Worth,” a political anthem of the era and a song graced with several exceptional lines such as “Paranoia strikes deep, into your life it will creep,” and as a prodigy and friend of many stars he probably couldn’t relate to…
Read MoreMama Can Sing
Hey, I like that poster. It didn’t actually start that way, the original’s acrylic on canvas bordered by pieced cloth called Mama Can Sing, Papa Can Blow; Somebody Stole My Broken Heart. Faith Ringgold’s the artist. I don’t know anything about her but I like that hot lady she painted thick-haired, red-lipped, big-busted, arms-spread, round-hipped,…
Read MoreRuth and Gehrig
I like Lou Gehrig. He’s strong as hell and hits hard from the left side of the plate and soon becomes the second most feared hitter in baseball and forces pitchers to either give me good pitches to hit or walk me. What a future we have on the Yankees. “I feel as though I…
Read MoreBabe and Billy
“Hey, Kid, get out here,” Babe says, inhaling cold air and exhaling hard. “This place is our Yankee Stadium.” A wiry man of medium height appears and says, “How about you quit calling me Kid.” “I’ll be happy to, soon as I learn your name.” “How long you need? I’ve been here thirty years.” “I’ve…
Read MoreGilbert Demands Examination of LeBron
In a lather, Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert calls and tells me to get online and click the link he just sent. I do so and listen as he says, “Who the hell’s that little dude standing next to Joel Embid after the game? Looks like he’s smiling up at his hero. And check out poor…
Read MoreCavaliers Reshape the World
Quietly I enter Dan Gilbert’s office and ease into a corner to watch him stare at a massive wall map of the United States. Every few seconds he tightens arms locked across his chest and juts his jaw at various targets – NBA cities across the land. LeBron James and general manager Koby Altman stand…
Read MoreBill Walsh Calls Belichick
Of course I watched the Super Bowl. I’m an admirer of Bill Belichick. I enjoy watching him coach and assume he loved watching me guide the 49ers for ten seasons. Honestly, I don’t feel any competitive fire when I think about him. Oh, there is some tension, I suppose. I’m tired of all these young…
Read MoreLeBron’s Championship Dreams
Am I dreaming? I hope so and we aren’t really getting bushwhacked by Oklahoma City and surrendering forty-three points in the first quarter to trail by nineteen. Despite shooting well we’re down sixteen at halftime and twenty after three quarters and let the gathering Thunder hit fifty-eight percent while they hang a hundred forty-eight on…
Read More5-Star Review for “Basketball and Football”
I would like to thank Lance Smith, the Sports Book Guy, one of the top reviewers of sports books in the nation, for his kind words about my most recent book, “Basketball and Football.” Sports Book Guy Lance Smith January 20, 2018 “With one of the simplest titles for a sports book, ‘Basketball and Football’…
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