Hafez al-Assad

Putin on Syrian Gas

September 14, 2013

Let’s be honest. I’m shrewdest politician in world. I maneuver into many terms as president, deftly gag dissenters, jail Pussy Riot female rockers who belittle Christ, and now I write columns for New York Times. If life weren’t so good in Russia I’d move to Big Apple and comment full-time. I have special insight into…

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Kerry Challenges Assad

August 28, 2013

We have unassailable evidence Bashar al-Assad gassed Syrian civilians in vile attempt to retain stranglehold on country. What we don’t have is war-winning military option. Americans don’t want to fight in Syria and neither do allies. It’s therefore incumbent on me, as decorated and oft-wounded warrior, to stand up and challenge Assad to hand-to-hand combat.…

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Assad Gas Company

August 23, 2013

Obama has red line between eyes that means I can use gas whenever. I don’t want to every day, only when I need to. Sometimes I need to gas children and other sleeping civilians who understand I must keep power. Only I am qualified to lead. Before I took over, only Father was fit. Syria…

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Assad Hangs

February 23, 2013

I’m not dork or mass murderer. I’m Syrian President for Life and with iron fist striking foreign terrorists agitating my people. This I decree during fiery speeches forcing everyone to understand father and I’ve ruled Syria forty years, lot less than forever enemies will have to wait for me to leave. Twenty million Syrians know…

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Syrian Military Headquarters Attacked

September 28, 2012

Please be responsible citizens of the world and ignore terrorists’ claims they killed about twenty men at our national military headquarters in downtown Damascus. I assure you none of my officers and soldiers died. Perhaps a few suffered minor injuries. The building itself did sustain some blasts and burns and had to be evacuated. That…

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Conviction of Bashar al-Assad

June 5, 2012

i keep saying terrorists incited and abetted by foreigners are attacking our beloved syrian homeland and have convinced myself and hope you as well

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Bashar al-Assad Can’t Stop

April 11, 2012

can’t stop shooting terrorists still firing can’t retreat or they’ll move in can’t have ceasefire till sure terrorists controlled by monitors from right countries

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Bashar al-Assad’s New Hippocratic Oath

March 13, 2012

bashar al-assad distinguished opthamologist has revised hippocratic oath at gunpoint demanding doctors foreswear treating injured patients in syrian hospitals

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Bashar al-Assad’s Minefield

March 13, 2012

why mine borders blocking those who want to flee imprisoned in syria they’ll slit your gut

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Assad Explains Siege of Homs

March 8, 2012

I’ve been reading international reports. People are saying I’ve sequestered myself with sycophants and yes men. They should be quiet and listen to the truth. I admit my opposition’s a bit broader than initially perceived. Quite a few terrorist-infected Syrians don’t understand the Assad dynasty must endure. To protect the country I’ve been forced to…

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Bashar al-Assad Gets Tougher

January 12, 2012

i am not dork or mass murderer i’m president for life of syria and prepared to strike with iron fist those foreign terrorists who’ve been agitating my people this i decreed during fiery two hour speech forcing everyone to understand my father and i’ve ruled syria forty years lot less than forever they’ll have to…

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Awaiting First Lady of Syria

December 31, 2011

wife bashar al-assad often denounces israel when will she denounce husband

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