Thank you, humans, after centuries of slaughtering rhinos and driving many of our species into extinction and others to the brink, for trying to implant microchips in horns of all Kenyan white rhinos you can shoot with tranquilizers and thereby track poachers who kill us, and presumably arrest, prosecute, and convict the heathens who love seizing our magnificent horns three to five feet of natural power and elegance valuable as gold. Perhaps you can also deter the gluttons who later pay to grind our horns and eat the dust in primitive attempts to acquire our power and potency. Nonsense. You’ll never be like us.

We ten thousand or so white rhinos in Southern Africa are no longer content as our brethren in Kenya. You will not save us. We shall save ourselves. Heretofore you’ve blustered behind rifles but cringed whenever you’ve missed and faced seven thousand pounds of muscle charging at thirty miles an hour you can’t match. You’re cowards. You’re weaklings. And henceforth we shall publicly expose you.

How? It’s rather simple. An innovative, and until recently desperate, National Football League team has cut all humans and hired fifty rhinos. I’m the quarterback and won’t need to throw, will I? Imagine our blocking and tackling. Keep score if you want but games won’t be about points. By halftime every human will be dead.