The Elephant

April 29, 2019

Home » Commentary » The Elephant

We were in a natural history museum and I asked my wife to back up and pose between the enormous tusks of an elephant whose stunning head and elevated trunk protruded from the wall.

“How long’s this magnificent beast been dead?” I asked the docent.

“At least fifty years,” he said, smiling as he passed.

“Hurry up,” ordered my wife.

“Why? You love having your photo taken.”

“I don’t feel comfortable.”

“Relax,” I said, aiming my cell phone and pushing the button more than ten times, each emitting a flash.

The trumpet of an enraged elephant impressed me and I scanned the wall for speakers, saw none, and turned to look elsewhere until my wife screamed and I spun to see this elephant, thoroughly alive and in the room through a crushed wall, waving her in his powerful trunk. After momentary hesitance, I jumped and grabbed one of the tusks but the giant flicked me off like a fly.

Terrified but thinking with adrenaline-induced clarity, I scrambled up and dashed to the rear of the beast, ducked between its hind legs, and prepared to grab giant testicles. Where the hell were they? Had presumptuous humans castrated him? Was this a female? It mattered not. I hurled myself like a linebacker into the left rear leg but, after momentary optimism, realized I’d just as likely tear down the column of a building.

Scurrying to the side of the elephant, as my wife punctuated her screams with shouts for help, I unleashed a left hook and a right hook and a left and a right and a snap kick and more hooks and added elbow strikes but only injured myself. Several docents watched as I ran in front of the elephant and shouted, “Put her down.”

Turning to the people, I said, “Don’t you have a gun?”

An even more terrible trumpet shook the room and I pivoted to behold my wife with a whole hand shoved into each socket of a burning elephant eye. The giant dropped her and kept shrieking as it ran by stuffed lions and tigers and other notables of the African plains and blasted through the entrance.

My wife suffered a fractured arm and leg and several broken ribs but was otherwise astonishingly healthy and her hospital stay lasted only a week. During that time, as I sat by her bed, I used my incendiary cell phone to scan the internet and learn more about elephants. Yes, they’re big, we all know that. But how big? They’re up to twenty-one feet in length, fourteen-feet high at the shoulder, and weigh thirteen thousand pounds yet run as fast as sixteen miles an hour. It takes a lot of fuel to keep an athlete like that in form. Four hundred pounds of vegetarian fare are daily washed down by eleven gallons of water.

Some experts say elephants mourn the deaths of relatives, and this capacity for compassion may be explained by a heart weighing forty-five pounds and a brain twelve. They’re also endowed for lovemaking, the male packing a three-foot penis and the female boasting a clitoris some sixteen-inches long. I forgave myself for failing to find any testicles since they’re buried under more than a foot of flesh and muscle and reside, five pounds each, next to the kidneys.

The big fellow whom we fought and survived had to be shot, or at least he was shot, within a mile of the museum, and it’s rumored his tusks, scaling a hundred pounds each, were stolen and shipped to Asia where in some places ivory brings a thousand dollars a pound. That’s why a few million elephants used to flourish and but a tenth as many survive today.

The Elephant Prepares to Attack My Wife

George Thomas Clark

George Thomas Clark is the author of Hitler Here, a biographical novel published in India and the Czech Republic as well as the United States. His commentaries for are read in more than 50 countries a month.

Recent Commentary


HITLER HERE is a well researched and lyrically written biographical novel offering first-person stories by the Fuehrer and a variety of other characters. This intimate approach invites the reader to peer into Hitler’s mind, talk to Eva Braun, joust with Goering, Goebbels, and Himmler, debate with the generals, fight on land and at sea and…
See More
Art history and fiction merge to reveal the lives and emotions of great painters Vincent van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Frida Kahlo, Diego Rivera, William H. Johnson, Lee Krasner, and many others.
See More
This fast-moving collection blends fiction and movie history to illuminate the stimulating lives and careers of noted actors, actresses, and directors. Stars of this book include Humphrey Bogart, Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe, Bette Davis, Alfred Hitchcock, Clint Eastwood, Cate Blanchett, and Spike Lee.
See More
In this collection of thirty-eight chiseled short stories, George Thomas Clark introduces readers to actors, alcoholics, addicts, writers famous and unknown, a general, a lovelorn farmer, a family besieged by cancer, extraterrestrials threatening the world, a couple time traveling back to a critical battle, a deranged husband chasing his wife, and many more memorable people…
See More
Anne Frank On Tour and Other Stories
This lively collection offers literary short stories founded on History, Love, Need, Excess, and Final Acts.
See More
In lucid prose author George Thomas Clark recalls the challenges of growing up in a family beset by divorce, depression, and alcoholism, and battling similar problems as an adult.
See More
Let’s invite many of the greatest boxers and their contemporaries to tell their own stories, some true, others tales based on history. The result is a fascinating look into the lives and battles of those who thrilled millions but often ruined themselves while so doing.
See More
In a rousing trip through the worlds of basketball and football, George Thomas Clark explores the professional basketball league in Mexico, the Herculean talents of Wilt Chamberlain, the artistry of LeBron James, the brilliance of Bill Walsh, and lots more. Half the stories are nonfiction and others are satirical pieces guided by the unwavering hand of an inspired storyteller.
See More
Get on board this collection of satirical stories, based on news, about the entertaining but absurd and often quite dangerous events following the election of President Donald J. Trump in November 2016 until January 6, 2021, shortly after his loss to Joe Biden.
See More
Join Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush and other notables on a raucous ride into a fictional world infused with facts from one of the roughest political races in modern U.S. history.
See More
History and literary fiction enliven the Barack Obama phenomenon from the African roots of his father and grandfather to the United States where young Obama struggles to control vices and establish his racial identity. Soon, the young politician is soaring but under fire from a variety of adversaries including Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh.
See More
These satirical columns allow startlingly candid Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush to explain their need to control the destinies of countries, regions, and, ultimately, the world. Osama bin Laden, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Karl Rove, and other notables, not all famous, also demand part of the stage.
See More
Where Will We Sleep
Determined to learn more about those who fate did not favor, the author toured tattered, handmade refuges of those without homes and interviewed them on the streets and in homeless shelters, and conversed with the poor in the United States, Mexico, Ecuador, and Spain, and on occasion wrote composite stories to illuminate their difficult lives.
See More
In search of stimulating stories, the author interviewed prostitutes in Madrid, Mexico City, Havana, and Managua and on many boulevards in the United States, and he talked to detectives and rode the rough roads of social workers who deal with human trafficking, which is contemporary slavery, and sometimes used several lives to create stories, and everywhere he ventured he witnessed struggles of those whose lives are bound In Other Hands.
See More
In compressed language Clark presents a compilation of short stories and creative columns about relationships between men and women.
See More
Political Satire for Progressives
Available now in a single digital-only volume of four books: Echoes from Saddam Hussein, Obama on Edge, King Donald, and Down Goes Trump. In his signature style, George Thomas Clark combines satire and creative writing to illuminate many historic developments this century. Echoes from Saddam Hussein – Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush candidly explain their need to control the…
See More