Creative Commentary
Kim Jong-Il Attacks Again
Don’t dare celebrate Western exaggerations that my body’s withered by a stroke and my face twisted into a mask of fading comprehension. I’m still mighty Kim Jong-Il and determined to confront those who claim they’re blessed with freedom and nutrition but are in fact imperialistic criminals using economic sanctions to punish my starving North Korean…
Colossal Head and the Mesoamerican Ballgame
I know it’s not right by your standards but I don’t care about them or you, so my relentless almond eyes and flat ears, open and acute below the helmet on my Colossal Head 5, carved six-feet high into three tons of basalt, are aimed at viewers in museums who surround me on three sides.…
Oscar Signs Huge Wal-Mart Deal
I will not bemoan but briefly restate, as an introduction to new readers, that I am Oscar the oft-ignored pig who dwelled deep in a Calabasas canyon. I make that reference in past tense for today I can reveal I have maneuvered, boldly rather than treacherously, to improve my station. While my wealthy owners, who…
Golf Course Braces for Wild High School Reunion
Sacramento, CA – Officials at scenic Ancil Hoffman Golf Course, which stretches along the American River east of town, issued an emergency decree this morning after police informed them that a (publicly-unnamed) suburban high school, notorious for its rowdy alumni, plans next week to attack the links with ten foursomes celebrating forty years of parole…
General Jerry Brown Promotes Executions
It is my ultimate honor as a warrior and patriot to campaign for governor of California in the manner of General Patton, wearing a three-star helmet, a pearl-handle pistol on each hip, and gleaming combat boots on my fast-moving feet. I am Jerry Brown 2010, and have banished the gubernatorial space cadet of the 1970’s…
Oscar the Pig has a Feast
Generally, I am not a plaintive pig. For some fifteen years I have stoically lived – existed, really – in a dreary Calabasas canyon below the opulent home of my owners, who spend much of their time cavorting around the nation and the world. I don’t begrudge them their money, which, to my knowledge, they…
Siege of Masada
I’m one of the least zealous of Jewish Zealots who’ve killed many Romans for attacking and forcing us out of Jerusalem and eventually onto this scorched rock plateau called Masada, leering down at the Dead Sea, in the Judean desert. I keep thinking I’m here about a century too late. Why can’t I be King…
Geopolitics at the Tomb of the Virgin Mary
Visitors to the Tomb of the Virgin Mary, near Jerusalem, are doubtless humbled and excited by the opportunity to establish a physical connection, however mystical, to her son, Jesus Christ. According to the Sacred Tradition of Eastern Christianity, Mary died naturally and three days after being lain to rest was resurrected body and soul into…
Skipping Toll on the Golden Gate Bridge
Oh, what a foolish risk it was. It really should be illegal. I don’t know why it isn’t. All rational people understand it’s dangerous to drive while listening to Jim Morrison sing “Light My Fire.” Actually, I had been thoroughly reasonable all day, easing out of my motel in San Francisco and carefully driving through…
The Titanic Speaks
I need to get to sea and soon will. After two years of construction, a hundred thousand people are watching in dry dock on May 31, 1911 as hydraulic triggers release me onto a path greased with 22 tons of tallow and soap that let me glide into the River Lagan. Now my staterooms and…
Kim Jong Il Celebrates Sixty Years of War
I am in splendid health. Reports of my suffering strokes and other debilitating maladies are simply the delusions of enemies who refuse to admit that the great North Korean nation built by my late father, Kim Il Sung, and I is a fountain of wealth, happiness, and awesome military power. I recently celebrated my good…
Historian Presents the Statistics of War
I bumbled by that smoking, manure-laden vehicle that didn’t explode in New York City last week and felt foolish I wasn’t the one who detected it and that I should have since I’ve spent my career analyzing wars but concede I’m only a historian, hiding in academia, who would’ve cringed at the sound of real…