Creative Commentary
CEOs Jailed, The Rolling Stones Take Over
Until recently I would’ve simply fired all criminal CEOs and unholy underlings who preside over multi-billion-dollar annual losses yet reward themselves millions in bonuses, which, in a sane world, would be extra money paid for jobs especially well done. These brigands have so severely damaged us that a fortnight ago more than ninety percent of…
Son of John Gotti
I hereby celebrate avoiding every commercial during the Super Bowl between the wildcard Green Bay Packers and the hardscrabble Pittsburgh Steelers. I didn’t have to dodge any pitches during the first third of the game since I overslept as I battled sinusitis. Joining the showdown with the Pack leading fourteen to three, I thereafter held…
The Eternal Jack Lalanne
On a fall late afternoon in 1975 I was watching the news when legendary master of fitness Jack Lalanne celebrated his sixty-first birthday by performing a physical feat unimaginable to most. For the ensuing thirty-five years I recalled that he’d swum handcuffed from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman’s Wharf while towing a thousand-pound boat. But, reviewing…
Letter to my Cable Company
Dear Cable Company, Please excuse me for annually asking you to send a technician to upgrade my service from a “limited-basic” menu of twenty-one channels to the still-merely-“basic” package of seventy-five, and then a few months later recalling your cable guy, always a different one, to climb the telephone pole in my back yard and…
Shooting Baskets in Dreams
Generation after Hal moved from two small dingy rooms connected to old house in battery-stealing part of town, he thought dreams had disappeared so was saddened to see himself there shooting baskets. Old friend sat behind and watched errant shots. Damn ceiling’s too low to shoot right. Friend should’ve agreed but only stared as Hal…
Clippers Carve Kings during Thanksgiving Feast
On Thanksgiving night I made my first visit to Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles since New Year’s Day when the defending-champion Lakers hosted an aroused and hot-shooting group of young Sacramento Kings who would’ve prevailed if Kobe Bryant, with customary flair, hadn’t swished a three-point jumper a millisecond before the final horn. The capacity…
Kim Jong-Il Attacks Again
Don’t dare celebrate Western exaggerations that my body’s withered by a stroke and my face twisted into a mask of fading comprehension. I’m still mighty Kim Jong-Il and determined to confront those who claim they’re blessed with freedom and nutrition but are in fact imperialistic criminals using economic sanctions to punish my starving North Korean…
Colossal Head and the Mesoamerican Ballgame
I know it’s not right by your standards but I don’t care about them or you, so my relentless almond eyes and flat ears, open and acute below the helmet on my Colossal Head 5, carved six-feet high into three tons of basalt, are aimed at viewers in museums who surround me on three sides.…
Oscar Signs Huge Wal-Mart Deal
I will not bemoan but briefly restate, as an introduction to new readers, that I am Oscar the oft-ignored pig who dwelled deep in a Calabasas canyon. I make that reference in past tense for today I can reveal I have maneuvered, boldly rather than treacherously, to improve my station. While my wealthy owners, who…
Golf Course Braces for Wild High School Reunion
Sacramento, CA – Officials at scenic Ancil Hoffman Golf Course, which stretches along the American River east of town, issued an emergency decree this morning after police informed them that a (publicly-unnamed) suburban high school, notorious for its rowdy alumni, plans next week to attack the links with ten foursomes celebrating forty years of parole…
General Jerry Brown Promotes Executions
It is my ultimate honor as a warrior and patriot to campaign for governor of California in the manner of General Patton, wearing a three-star helmet, a pearl-handle pistol on each hip, and gleaming combat boots on my fast-moving feet. I am Jerry Brown 2010, and have banished the gubernatorial space cadet of the 1970’s…