How Tiger Woods Should Respond
December 9, 2009
Until recent revelations of my weakness for young white female flesh, and the overwhelming moral outrage that followed, I thought in a sexual sense I was a relatively normal guy, that is one ready to squeeze any appealing woman who beckoned. Now, sadly, after reading countless rabid condemnations in the press and blogosphere and cringing at tirades on redneck radio that’s Democratic as well as Republican, I realize you righteous souls, with daily more voyeuristic ardor, are condemning me as a sleazy, libidinous rat unworthy of inhaling the same spiritually pure air as you, so to you, hypocritical white runts, I would at this moment like to say bend over and kiss my rich and highly-sexed almost black ass.
That’s right. I’m sick of some of you clodhoppers pretending you’ve never screwed around. And to those of you who really haven’t strayed, I assert that much of what you claim is moral restraint is really a scarcity, if not absence, of enticing opportunities. Try to be honest, rather than sanctimonious, and admit that men of even moderate attractiveness or charm or wealth will at times encounter women who want to sleep with them, and most men, at least once in a while, accept these magnetic offers. To do otherwise would not be human. What planet are you from?
Let’s review some elementary evolution. In order to ensure the survival of human beings, nature endowed us with a hundred times more sexual desire than necessary for mere procreation. Please don’t tell me you’re unaware of this. And don’t pretend you and your buddies didn’t start beating yourself raw about age twelve when hormones made you obsess about sex with women. Why are you dumping on me? Are you denouncing behavior you’re already involved in? Or, are you jealous I get laid with ease? For most heterosexual males, it’s one of the two. Which is it for you?
We should also talk a little sports history. Did the king, Arnold Palmer, ever get roasted when caught with his pants down? I could list lots of other golfers but won’t since, after all, they’re not the ones who put my balls under the microscope. Let’s talk baseball. Did the immortal Mickey Mantle get this kind of grief for drunken debauchery I have yet to approach? What about the footballer, Broadway Joe Namath? He was considered cool for sleeping with hundreds of women then bragging about it in interviews. But Namath at the time was single, you’ll say. Fine. Palmer and Mantle were married, like me. What’s the difference? It’s simple as black and white. Tiger Woods was wonderful when abusing white men in a sport that not long ago was segregated. But when I’m revealed to have been devouring the forbidden fruit, you know what you really feel I am. Go ahead, say it, and knock off the moral shit.