Sometimes my devoted people love me so much they respond in ways even I find embarrassing. This has never been truer than when my recent loss of forty fat pounds prompted millions to virtually weep in the streets as they worried about life without their Dear Leader. There are times, though not many, when I wish I could be candid with them. In this case I would’ve said, “Fear not, I have been dieting and exercising so I can protect you for many more decades. Our supreme doctors advised me that at five-foot-eight and three hundred ten pounds I was at risk of a fatal heart attack like those that felled my revered grandfather Kim Il Sun and father Kim Jong Il.”

I’m a modern man, influenced by the body-sculpting techniques of professional basketball players, and am prepared to promote my good health as well as that of every citizen. No leader in the world has approached my efficacy in shutting out the deadly coronavirus. I sealed borders and shot people and animals who entered restricted zones and banned travel and insisted people wear masks unless summoned to pose barefaced during parades of my nuclear rockets.

Alas, my life-saving measures have hurt our economy, which was already constricted by imperialist sanctions, but no one is starving as, I confidentially reveal, happened during the otherwise noble reigns of my two divine predecessors. Today, North Koreans are unprecedentedly happy and healthy and know I’m preparing a future of wealth and power for everyone in our isolated land.