Archive for 2014
Sophia Loren v. Jayne Mansfield
By delightful coincidence I was dining in elegant Romanoff’s restaurant in Beverly Hills that 1957 night when young and ravishing Sophia Loren entered, accompanied by several movie executives who, once seated, gazed across satin tablecloth and widened omnipresent smiles, laughing at her every utterance. I understand their behavior for I was equally captivated by the…
Read MoreReturn of The King
I’m back and know you’ve missed me as much as I’ve missed having you listen to me. I may be the world’s most splendid talker. In public I spellbind, in groups I entertain, and one on one I scare hell out of people. There’s nothing bad in that. That’s life, and a damn good one.…
Read MoreInterview with Chapo
I’m a young reporter and delighted to be first to interview Chapo Guzman in his new cell at Altiplano, in the state of Mexico. I’ve met some celebrities but never such a big star. I imagine he must be pretty sad and discouraged living in a prison that has proven impregnable. Walls three feet thick…
Read MoreBoko Haram
studious girls nailed by boko haram
Read MoreJust Askin’
why half million nigerian soldiers dance with zealots
Read MoreNorth Korean Explains Race
We the happy and well-fed people of North Korea must maintain our racial purity lest we become like the suffering, ill-shaped barbarians who surround this paradise created by divine Kim Jong-Un and his father and grandfather. Ignore those who’re starving in our country. Don’t worry about those who’ve disappeared. Their blood was tainted by inferior…
Read MorePutin Grieves for Odessa
Quit denouncing Russia and listen to those more knowledgeable who explain the corrupt regime in Ukraine criminally seized power. Understand that I will not much longer permit atrocities against my people. Accept that I have sufficient troops ready to protect the innocent. Admit you can’t stop me. Ask yourself why you would want to. Note…
Read MoreAli Drinks Klitschko Kool-Aid
I was the greatest and will be again. Don’t deny I can do it. I’m drinking Klitschko Kool-Aid secretly provided by Wladimir’s diabolical team of scientists who will only let me partake until I’m at my former peak, and no higher. That would be in 1967 when I was the prettiest and fastest heavyweight who…
Read MoreThe Final Round
I’m sick of being poor and living in a slum. I’m tired of being hungry. I want a nice house and car and good clothes and someday I want a family. I’m not going to get those things through school in Indonesia. There are too many students and I don’t like school much, anyway, and…
Read MoreEmails from Mayweather and Maidana
Late last night Floyd Mayweather and Marcos Maidana exchanged the following emails forwarded to me by confidential sources in each camp. From: Marcos Subject: Punishing Mayweather I know what you think and don’t care because it doesn’t matter I lost every round my first fight as a welterweight, against Devon Alexander, about two years ago.…
Read MoreFloyd Mayweather in Hot Tub
“Ladies, it’s a whole lot better being in this fancy hot tub in my Las Vegas mansion than in a sweaty arena, isn’t it?” “Yeees,” gushed all but one. “You should be there,” said a lovely young woman. “You need to prepare to fight the winner, who’s going to be Manny Pacquiao.” “Who’re you?” “I’m…
Read MorePutin Writes Kerry
To John Kerry Secretary of State Dear Secretary Kerry, Worry not about the Russian army I don’t want to unleash but beware of me if you keep accusing us of agitating in eastern Ukraine. I may ultimately treat you like a gangly puppet on a loose string. Keep your bad breath out of our faces.…
Read MoreAlcohol v. Pot
I was a happy tourist at the pinnacle of Washington’s Monument when I became woozy and awakened an indeterminate time later in a dungeon. God, kidnapped by terrorists, I thought but reconsidered when several white males, attired in green surgical gowns, marched in and one said, “Experimentation will begin when the chief returns.” “Who’s he…
Read MoreWhite Heat
angry old men crave war and dissolution
Read MoreRand Paul in Berkeley
You aren’t going to get me to admit it, so quit trying. I never said blacks shouldn’t be served in any restaurant they choose. I said owners can’t be denied the right to serve only those they want, and no government should interfere. That would be tyranny. I’ll tell you how to deter tyrannical politicians.…
Read MorePutin Warns the West
Don’t call me shorty or I’ll throw you over my hip. I’m a superpower leader ready to protect the Russian people who’ve so often been “not merely robbed but plundered” by such heathens as Napoleon, Hitler, Bush father and son, Clinton, and Obama, the latter four deluded Americans who claim God wants them to “determine…
Read MoreNikita Khrushchev Explains
Don’t blame me Vladimir Putin’s grabbing the Crimea sixty years after I bestowed that lovely peninsula on Ukraine, the great Russian Breadbasket where I’d forged my political career and found a bride. Listen to my son, Sergei. He’s a wizard in computers and missiles and holds multiple advanced degrees and teaches at Brown University and…
Read MoreCrimean Anschluss
Be assured: if I, instead of slumbering Stalin, had been running Russia in 1941, the Germans wouldn’t have attacked and mauled us because I would’ve already smashed them. I understand what’s necessary. We must keep enemies away from our frontiers. The United States and its European mercenaries will not be allowed to surround us with…
Read MoreVladimir Putin Attacks
The United States is shaking while all of Europe trembles. They know they can’t stop me. No one can. I’m master politician black belt in judo and consummate stud who took down sacrilegious female rockers Pussy Riot and sent them to jail same place many other critics spend years contemplating dangers of contradicting their leader…
Read MoreFree Chapo Guzman
No one paid us. No one gave us food or alcohol. No one told us to march in the streets of Culiacan. We marched and carried signs with hundreds maybe thousands of others because we love Chapo Guzman and want him freed from prison immediately. Chapo is our hero. He creates jobs and gives money…
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