Don’t call me shorty or I’ll throw you over my hip. I’m a superpower leader ready to protect the Russian people who’ve so often been “not merely robbed but plundered” by such heathens as Napoleon, Hitler, Bush father and son, Clinton, and Obama, the latter four deluded Americans who claim God wants them to “determine the fate of other people.”

Look how Americans have tried to capitalize on the suffering of Russian and other people, surrounding us with nuclear-laden forces during a Cold War they ignited, and then, when our union crumbled, they maliciously and without cause sucked into aggressive NATO many nations that were once part of our peaceful Warsaw Pact alliance: Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Poland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Slovenia, Hungary, Albania, Croatia, Romania, and Bulgaria. Naturally, I am alarmed. The United States has also torn up the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, the cornerstone of deterrence, twice slaughtered countless thousands of civilians in Iraq, and disrupted and destroyed lives in Syria, Libya, and Kosovo.

Other nations may have to submit to this but my Russia does not. I will not be outflanked to the south. I will never permit the West to draft Ukraine into NATO. I will not permit anyone to further harm the Russian people. That’s why my annexation of the Crimea, backed by almost a hundred percent of the citizens, a majority of whom are ethnic Russians, is entirely legal and as heartwarming as the reunification of Germany.

“Don’t believe those who say Russia will take other regions after the Crimea. We don’t need that… (But) we sympathize with the people of Ukraine. It is a sacred place to us. We are one nation, and Kiev is the mother of all cities.”