Nuclear Weapons
Unconditional Surrender
Unconditional Surrender by Pete Hegseth Standing strong at the press conference microphone, I’m fired up since President Trump is getting a feel for unprovoked attacks against overmatched enemies and then declaring victory and vowing to run the conquered countries his way from now on. The sooner he takes over, the better. The Iranians should’ve…
Operation Roaring Lion
Operation Roaring Lion by Donald Trump I’m the most powerful man who’s ever lived and positive I can ignore the War Powers Resolution demanding I notify Congress to get its approval within forty-eight hours of attacking another country. That’s absurd. I’m not going to alert “vicious (and) terrible” Iranian enemies that we’re coming to crush…
Dynamic Diplomacy
Dynamic Diplomacy by Superman It’s not immodest but essential that I confirm what you’ve often heard. I am indeed “faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.” In the nuclear age, I confess, those are militarily irrelevant feats, and a mere one-ton bomb…
Inflation
Inflation by Ayatollah Ali Khamenei I hope people around the world, especially Americans, are bright enough to understand that the Islamic Republic is not to blame for recent unrest inside Iran. On the contrary, imperialistic sanctions and other economic attacks caused our currency to collapse until it took forty-two thousand rial to equal one dollar.…
Visiting Trump Again
Visiting Trump Again by Benjamin Netanyahu I love visiting President Donald Trump more than anyone in the world. He’s not only a wonderful man, he’s a strategic genius and peacemaker extraordinaire. Israelis and Americans, the closest of allies, are always excited when we meet at the summit, determined to save the world. I’ve already been…
Twenty-Six Questions for Donald Trump
Twenty-Six Questions for Donald Trump by George Thomas Clark Why did you announce that you would attack Iran to save anti-government protestors and promise that “help is on the way”? You implied the rescue was imminent. You knew that was a lie. You have many times bragged that you annihilated Iran’s nuclear program during your…
On the Brink
On the Brink by An Iranian Educator I’ve been on the edge of a sword all my life. When I was an adolescent in the late nineteen seventies, sadistic agents from SAVAK, the dreaded secret police of the Shah of Iran, stormed into our home, clubbed my father, cursed my mother, and threatened my brother…
Lebensraum
Lebensraum by Benjamin Netanyahu Israel and I have never yearned for anything but peace and safety for our people. I did not seize power but acquired it democratically and lost it and reacquired it and lost it again before once more earning the ultimate confidence of my people for what now totals a wondrous…
How to Save the World
How to Save the World by Joe Six Pack Some of my neighbors opened their windows and shouted, “Hold it down, redneck,” when I bugled reveille early this morning. I bet most of them are liberals and other traitors. “Go back to bed, cowards,” I shouted. “You can’t protect freedom whether you’re asleep or not.”…
Davos
Davos by Donald Trump I was a little tired but otherwise relaxed and confident flying into Davos on Air Force One which is a decent plane but not as lavish as I’ll have when my new super jet from the Qataris is fixed up. I wish my beautiful wife could be here. She loves going…
Saving Iran
Saving Iran by Reza Pahlavi In the Oval Office, after greeting each other cordially, President Trump and I sat down and he pointed at a stack of papers on his desk and said, “Look at all those articles and intelligence reports about you.” “I hope you enjoyed reading them, Mr. President.” He smiled. “I’ve talked…
Grand Strategy
Grand Strategy by General Douglas MacArthur As the most erudite warrior in the history of my country, and probably the world, I cannot imagine how a dunce like Donald Trump became president of the United States, but I was almost as flabbergasted when my former secretary, Dwight Eisenhower, moved into the White House. I told…
Putin’s Grand Strategy – 16
The Americans are eternal enemies striving to surround my cold and tattered but still great Russian Empire. Their latest lies can be read in a thousand places. Here I will simply cite a few of the most outrageous accusations from a recent Associated Press article. Instead of thanking me for pulling my troops back from…
Heavy Load – 15
A phone rings on the desk in his Kremlin office and he answers and says, “Hello, sweetheart.” “Have you seen that interview?” she asks. “Which one?” “The one from Ukraine.” “You’re not supposed to watch foreign propaganda.” “You need to see it.” He exhales hard and asks, “Why?” “Because I can feel it’s true.” “I…
Putin’s Grand Plan – 14
Backed by a huge wall map, Vladimir Putin stands before a few trusted generals and advisors, and states, “We must regard my following strategic statements as top secret and essential to our survival.” They look attentively at their leader. “Once we’ve captured all enemy territory on the Black Sea, we will subjugate Moldova and let…
Rally in Moscow – 13
The factory director tells us we won’t be working any more today because we have a special surprise. We’re going to our beautiful national stadium to hear a speech by the great Vladimir Putin who’s been our powerful president since before I could walk. A few people say they don’t want to go and that’s…
When Sergey Lavrov Awakens – 12
Vladimir, we’ve got to do something. That little bastard’s killing us. Maybe we’ll get him someday. I hope so. Meanwhile he’s arousing tears and standing ovations in legislative bodies and living rooms around the world. Did you see his speech to Congress? He says Russians are against human values and Ukrainian dreams, the same dreams…
Putin’s Terms – 11
Don’t swallow the lie that I wanted all of Ukraine and am only limiting my goals since the enemy’s proving tougher and more skillful than expected and our troops are fighting with less skill and élan than I demanded and international sanctions continue to bleed our economy and force us to default on foreign debt…
Tchaikovsky Protests – 10
Oh surely you realize that a man of my sensibilities and intimate tastes could never support a beast like Vladimir Putin and his henchmen, and I’m in accord with sanctions against oligarchical money as well as Russian gas and oil and even ethnic restaurants and bars in other lands. Starve the tyrant’s war machine and…
Klitschko to Russia – 9
(Mayor of Kyiv Vitali Klitschko addressed the Russian people in a YouTube video posted on March 11, 2022. Highlights and minor additions follow below.) I’ll tell you in Russian that your unprovoked attack on my country is barbarism based on absolute propaganda and nonsense. You’re arrogant to tell us we’re not a nation and spread…