The United States is shaking while all of Europe trembles. They know they can’t stop me. No one can. I’m master politician black belt in judo and consummate stud who took down sacrilegious female rockers Pussy Riot and sent them to jail same place many other critics spend years contemplating dangers of contradicting their leader for life. That’s what Russians want. They’ve already had me more than decade and will keep me at least that much more. But I’m antithesis of dictator. I don’t merely win elections. I blow people away. Look at my popularity. At least sixty-five percent of Russians approve. I guarantee your leaders have puny ratings.

My people love strength and are thrilled I’m reestablishing Russian colossus. We know Crimea should be ours. A majority of people there are Russians. So what Nikita Khrushchev blundered and gave it to Ukraine sixty years ago? It’s ours again, Russian armed forces assure me. I may next decide to take rest of Ukraine. I certainly will if there’s more talk of making it part of NATO. I’ll even do so if traitorous Ukrainians want to emphasize economics with West rather than me. Everyone better behave or I’ll also roll into Belarus and Baltic States. Americans and European lackeys must understand Russia led by Vladimir Putin will not be threatened. Quit trying to encircle us. You want me to ally Russia with your neighbors such as Canada and Mexico?

Don’t delude yourselves. I’m in my prime and prepared for unprecedented greatness. It doesn’t matter I’m only five-feet-five. I’ve had plenty of girlfriends and always disciplined my plump, middle-aged wife before recently divorcing her. Now I’ve got young gymnast with extraordinary flexibility. I deserve and need such woman, and Russia wants me to have her. Russia yearns to see power and appeal and applauds when I hobnob with great warrior actors, and close personal friends, Jean Claude van Damme and Steven Seagal. Those guys can kick your asses and so can I.