Come on. Admit it. You keep having to Google “new Mexican president” because you can’t remember Enrique Pena Nieto. He’s handsome but like generic model and smooth but so’s oily auto part. You know he represents old guard PRI that ruled dictatorially for decades, spoon feeding wealthy while ignoring poor. Trust me, Enrique Pena Nieto was created by political cookie cutter. Mexico needs tough and charismatic guy who understands poverty and struggle. There’s only one such candidate. That guy’s me. And I’m confident most Mexicans agree, so I’m naming myself new president.

While other Mexican presidents grew up soft in splendor and spent too much time inhaling class privilege in presidential factories like Harvard, I scrambled to survive and had to end formal education after third grade. That introduced real education and made me ambitious and brave. I jumped into crime early, and even as teenager urged bosses to give more authority. I knew could transport drugs more efficiently than others. As logistical ideas stormed through brain, I arranged fleets of trucks, boats, and planes to haul cocaine tons at time. I also sought less labor-intensive product, establishing ties in Far East to obtain best precursor chemicals for meth, and followed by building best and largest labs. No one in history’s sold as many drugs. I’m multi-billionaire one world’s richest.

No weak and pampered Mexican president could operate like me. In prison I bribed and intimidated everyone, including guards and wardens, screwed many women, and escaped just before Americans were going to take me somewhere with different rules. No way. Everyone plays by rules of El Chapo. Those who don’t understand authority are shot, if lucky. My kindness, however, is often unappreciated and am forced to order thousands of warriors to smash enemies’ testicles and sever penises shoved into mouths before they’re burned preferably alive.

I don’t “mess with honest working or business people,” usually I don’t unless I do. Generally, I kill Zetas and other narcotics traffickers. I do so Mexicans can feel free and safe and happy. They shouldn’t worry fifty thousand have died violently in recent years. I’ll protect them. I cherish life. I’ve fathered at least ten kids. Have you seen latest wife? She’s real beauty more than thirty years younger. We recently had twins and will make lovely first family.