Don’t dare celebrate Western exaggerations that my body’s withered by a stroke and my face twisted into a mask of fading comprehension. I’m still mighty Kim Jong-Il and determined to confront those who claim they’re blessed with freedom and nutrition but are in fact imperialistic criminals using economic sanctions to punish my starving North Korean people.

Last week my artillery bombarded South Korean territory and killed two civilians and two soldiers. The attack pronounced my dislike of the recent G-20 economic summit our ostentatious enemies had held in Seoul and underscored the impotence of the United States and its Korean stooge. All they can do is whine for China to do something. China isn’t going to do anything about me. The Americans are delusional to believe otherwise. The Chinese also want American military power off the Asian continent. That’s why China supplies us with food and fuel. We’re a bulwark against Yankee domination. Earlier this month I was proud to pronounce we had secretly built a uranium facility. In March I was likewise bold and defiant after torpedoing a North Korean warship and killing forty-six people. I didn’t do it, I said. And that meant: I did it and what are you going to do about it?

Trust me, the United States and South Korea acutely understand and fear that I could destroy much of Seoul in a few hours. My conventional artillery and missiles are sufficient for that. And my army is by far the largest and best on the Korean Peninsula. I could plow the Americans into the sea along with their local lackeys. It’s much too late to do anything about my nuclear weapons. And I’m training my son, Kim Jong Un, to be just as formidable as his father and divine grandfather, Kim Il Sun. Though my son is only twenty-seven, I promoted him to four-star general in September and have made him the second most powerful man in the nation. He is poised to inherit a nation our enemies will forever be unable to attack. However, they probably won’t be afraid to attack the next nuclear aspirant, Iran, which lacks our military deterrent and powerful northern ally.